10 Things that’ll definitely happen during the Lions Tour

10 games, 10 things. Martin Devlin takes a look at what we can expect over the next six weeks as the Lions Tour finally gets underway:

1. The Lions WILL lose. At least once. (C’mon people, not even Gats in his wildest dreams believes his team can go through this whole tour without losing a solitary match)

2. The ODI (O’Driscoll Incident) WILL be revisited. At least once. And that’s every day. By the time of the Wellington test the initial trickle will become a deluge of “what if/if only” articles and tedious television replays offering angles even Pythagoras hadn’t thought of. When said scribes finally exhaust all remaining interest in that infamous non-event, seeing it is a capital occasion, expect the odd mention also of “Dan Carter’s test”, “Trapper’s test” and the “Batty Intercept”.

3. Clichés as far as the eye can see. The match versus NZ Maori will be unofficially tagged “the 4th test”, Eden Park will be called a “fortress”, The All Blacks haka labelled an unfair advantage Stephen Jones will bemoan the lack of humility exhibited by AB fans. If any or all of these were ONLY mentioned once it’ll be an absolute blessing.

4. Clive will not be missed. Not a single person in New Zealand will lament the fact that Clive Woodward is no longer coach nor that Alistair Campbell hasn’t reappeared as the tour spin doctor. Not one single one. Not even once.

5. All Black fans will chant “Black, Black, Black” during a test. Much more than just once.

6. Sonny Bill Williams, even if he doesn’t play, will be front page focus of foreign media interest. At least once. With his shirt off.

7. England coach Eddie Jones will add his opinion on how beatable the All Blacks look. Not once but every single opportunity he gets.

8. Lions supporters will be fulsomely praised in one collective countrywide warm embrace. They’ll be described as “great sports”, “wonderful visitors” and “knowledgeable passionate fans who just love their rugby”. Unless of course their team beats us in the test series. Whereupon immediately they’ll become arrogant pompous imperialist public-schooboy rugger-bugger Pommy twats. (We’ll still love the Taffs, Jocks and Micks though – goes without saying?) Well, if not then just once!

9. Us home fans will continue to consider ourselves nothing but the fairest, most appreciative and forever humble rugby supporters on the planet known for our mature yet competitive respect for the inventors of this game they play in heaven. -Which we just happen to be the best in the world at – something we might even mention. Once or twice.

10. The Lions will depart these shores safe in the knowledge their reputation and record upon arrival remains entirely intact. i.e. They’ve only ever won here…Once!