A Journey Deep Into The Depraved, Paranoid Mind Of A Hurricanes Supporter

How does it feel to be a fan of the only New Zealand Super Rugby franchise yet to win a title? In this conversation between Scotty Stevenson and lifelong Hurricanes supporter Andrew Mulligan, we learn it can only be described as a kind of living hell.

Listen to Scotty and Andrew discuss this and more on last week’s Rugby Pass podcast, recorded before the Hurricanes’ merciful semifinal win

In the early hours of Saturday morning in Rio De Janeiro, where we are covering the Olympic Games, Andrew Mulligan and I sat in the courtyard of an almost-finished hotel in the middle of some dusty suburb and watched the Hurricanes take on the Chiefs in their Super Rugby semifinal. After the game, fuelled on local fire water – cachaça – we began to discuss his infatuation with the Hurricanes, and the heartache that love has led to. The following is a rough transcript of that discussion.

Scotty Stevenson: You do realise you promised to change your name by deed poll to ‘Tongan Bear’ if the Hurricanes won the Super Rugby title?

Andrew Mulligan: Yes.

And you did that on Australian television, so there is evidence of this promise?

Yes.

What were you thinking?

I wasn’t. That was the problem. Actually, what happened was I knew I had to make a point of how much this title will mean to me, but now I realise that my wife and kid will probably need to take ‘Bear’ for their surname, and that could be problematic. Host of The Other Rugby Show [and regular Rugby Pass Podcast guest] Sean Maloney is not going to let it go. I shouldn’t have said anything. But then a part of me knows I am probably on safe ground.

Which brings us to the heart of the matter. The fact is, you don’t really believe they can ever win a title, do you? That’s why you made that promise!

The problem is I am a vocal Canes fan, and that attracts a certain kind of troll. These trolls are a mix of people I respect, like you, and people I have no respect for, like [The Crowd Goes Wild co-host and former New Zealand cricketer] Mark Richardson, who is also a Highlanders bandwagoner, which says all you need to know about him. Before the semifinal performance, I will admit I had my doubts, as every Canes fan has.

Why do Canes fans have so many doubts?

We’ve had so much talent that you would think we already would have won a title at some point. Historically we have missed the playoffs more than we have made the playoffs, which is arguably worse than getting to a final and losing, which we have done twice. Think about it: in 2006 we couldn’t see anything. Kudos to the Crusaders for organising that fog. Last year the TMO couldn’t see anything. Hurricanes fans don’t get no respect. We’re the Rodney Dangerfields of rugby.

Has there been one moment, more than all the others, that really killed you?

Julian Savea’s knock on in last year’s final. It was the greatest summation of the entire history of the Hurricanes.

Yeah, that was a moment alright. But still, there have been other disappointments. Do you keep a filing cabinet full of Hurricanes head shaking?

It’s Pandora’s Box. Once you open one bad memory, the rest keep flooding back. That’s why so many Hurricanes fans are superstitious. We don’t want to ever say we will win, but neither do we ever want to mention the times we have lost. In this way, we actually try to forget every single game the team has played.

That seems extreme, but then again Hurricanes fans are extreme – and they are very vocal, like you. And high profile.

You would think the Blues would be the most vocal, given their big city status, but Aucklanders are just apathetic, and Canes fans are emotionally invested. Think about the personalities who are legitimate Canes fans. There’s [Radio New Zealand host] John Campbell, who encapsulates the kind of earnestness that we all aspire to. There’s [Radio Sport host] Martin Devlin who is barking mad about everything to do with this team. His is a manic, almost schizophrenic obsession. Most people hope the Canes lose just to make him cry. Taika Waititi is a Canes fan. [His film] What We Do In The Shadows could easily be the Hurricanes fan motto.

And you are superstitious, too. All you Canes fans are!

We blame everybody, and trust no one. Happiness Insurance, Reverse Jinx, Conspiracy Theories, Referee Bias, Substitution Irregularities – this is the coded language of the Canes fan. It’s exhausting. I’m tired of it. I need this title more than anyone. It’s a Wellington thing, mainly. Wellington people are suspicious of the rest of the country.

Have you ever bet against the Canes?

I have never actually put money on a team playing against the Canes, but I will admit I have tipped against them. I know of Canes fans who have regularly bet against their team. It’s acceptable behaviour. We all understand. Highlanders fans are the worst. They all suddenly appeared out of nowhere last year and they make too much noise. They are rugby’s nouveau riche.

You are heavy favourites this weekend. How could this team possibly lose the Super Rugby final?

Where do I begin? Dane Coles may not be fit. They are hiding Julian Savea somewhere. Brad Shields could trip over a camera cable running out onto the park and break his ankle. TJ Perenara and Beauden Barrett might suddenly forget how to play together. There could be a meteor shower. The lineout may fall apart. Glen Jackson might be the first referee to notice how offside they are all game. There are a million ways this could all go wrong.

I don’t think the Canes can blow it from here. Although I have tipped the Lions, just because I know it winds you up.

And I know that’s the case and will just embrace that all week long. And when the Canes – no, I can’t say it. You know what I mean. If that happens, I will show restraint and leave the histrionics to Devlin and Campbell. I also have a voodoo doll of [Lions coach] Johan Ackermann that I got in a favela and I am going to stick pins in it all week.

That sounds good, Andrew. Or should I say, Mr Bear.

Just call me Tongan.