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A rugby story that couldn’t possibly be true

So here’s a tale from the ‘only in rugby’ file.

An Australian Super Rugby franchise CEO comes into the job, and starts having a bit of a look through the filing cabinet left by not just one, but three predecessors over the previous twelve months. It’s fair to say it’s a bit of a mess; one bloke had terrible writing, the next bloke wrote everything in capital letters, and the other bloke didn’t really want the job anyway, so notes were kind of optional.

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There’s literally stuff everywhere; the franchise had moved house six months earlier, and like all good moves, there was some stuff in this corner office destined to spend the rest of its days in a cardboard box.

One day, the CEO pulled out a file, moistened the thumb, and started having a read. He got through a few sheets of paper and something suddenly jumped off the page at him. “Hey, that’s a bit weird,” he thought to himself, as he continued to thumb through the rest of the pages. He set it to the side and looked through other files, but started finding more references to the first file.

Soon enough, the pile of files and paper on the side was taller than Brodie Retallick mid-lift. All the files related to the house move, and something wasn’t right. The CEO called in the lawyers for a second opinion, and they concurred; it really was a bloody tall pile of paper. And something wasn’t right.

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So the CEO and the lawyers went along to the next house meeting, and told the board housemates of their findings. The house board had appointed the CEO to the job, but weren’t that long in the house themselves, having toppled the previous board in an AGM scene reminiscent of a battle for Middle Earth.

They all agreed that the pile of papers was indeed in the Retallick stratosphere, and that something wasn’t right, and called in the national union bigwigs. The bigwigs upgraded the height estimations to Retallick at full lift, and concluded that something definitely wasn’t right. They called in the consultants, who scoured through the pile of papers and every email sent and received in the history of the franchise, and confirmed everyone’s worst fears: something really, truly, wasn’t right.

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The police were called. Everything was taken away. The CEO was a bit embarrassed about the fuss he’d caused, but at least he had a clean office. He got on with running the franchise; you know, record sponsorship deals, turning around a decade of operating loss into a probably seven-figure profit. Standard stuff. The balance sheet was humming nearly as well as the team on the field.

But in the shadows, all was not well. A few of the previous board housemates had heard that the police had a shedload of files, and they knew their fingerprints were all over it. If something wasn’t right, there was every chance the finger would be pointed at them.

So they did what every former board housemate would do when facing the prospect of a police investigation: they started rumours about the CEO.

For months this went on. The CEO knew the rumours were out there, but he also knew that he’d done the right thing. After all, everyone agreed that something wasn’t right. But the previous board housemates kept plotting away, operating at a stealth level somewhere between black ops and the inner workings of the breakdown. And it was working, because the new board was starting to doubt the CEO’s motives. “What if we look bad, too?” they started thinking.

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Then one day, the CEO snapped. He’d had enough, and just started spewing forward his frustrations. And his timing couldn’t have been worse, because he was sitting in a radio studio at the time, giving an interview live to air with a host who couldn’t quite believe his luck.

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The senior board housemate was furious. He called the national union CEO, they all met a few days later, and made the obvious decision: they told the CEO to hand in his keys. “And shut the hell up, you’re making us look bad,” they told him. “But we can’t really afford to pay for all your stuff, so just kind of stand over there for the moment. And shut the hell up.”

But the CEO was in an argumentative mood, so he went to the highest court in the land and told them how he was simply doing his job, that he’d found something that wasn’t right, and had it looked into with the full agreement of the board housemates, the national union bigwigs, and the consultants.

“Oh, well, carry on then, in that case,” the court told him. “At least until this time next week.”

And so the CEO returned to the house like nothing had happened. He was glad the team was on the other side of the world, and even if they were getting rogered by TMOs, at least they were playing well. They wouldn’t be distracted by this kind of circus.

Thankfully, this is just one of those glorified Australian rugby fairy tales, one that couldn’t possibly have any truth to it, right?

Except the Brumbies are hoping they can wake from this very nightmare sometime soon.

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J
JW 6 hours ago
Does South Africa have a future in European competition?

I rated Lowe well enough to be an AB. Remember we were picking the likes of George Bridge above such players so theres no disputing a lot of bad decisions have been made by those last two coaches. Does a team like the ABs need a finicky winger who you have to adapt and change a lot of your style with to get benefit from? No, not really. But he still would have been a basic improvement on players like even Savea at the tail of his career, Bridge, and could even have converted into the answer of replacing Beauden at the back. Instead we persisted with NMS, Naholo, Havili, Reece, all players we would have cared even less about losing and all because Rieko had Lowe's number 11 jersey nailed down.


He was of course only 23 when he decided to leave, it was back in the beggining of the period they had started retaining players (from 2018 onwards I think, they came out saying theyre going to be more aggressive at some point). So he might, all of them, only just missed out.


The main point that Ed made is that situations like Lowe's, Aki's, JGP's, aren't going to happen in future. That's a bit of a "NZ" only problem, because those players need to reach such a high standard to be chosen by the All Blacks, were as a country like Ireland wants them a lot earlier like that. This is basically the 'ready in 3 years' concept Ireland relied on, versus the '5 years and they've left' concept' were that player is now ready to be chosen by the All Blacks (given a contract to play Super, ala SBW, and hopefully Manu).


The 'mercenary' thing that will take longer to expire, and which I was referring to, is the grandparents rule. The new kids coming through now aren't going to have as many gp born overseas, so the amount of players that can leave with a prospect of International rugby offer are going to drop dramatically at some point. All these kiwi fellas playing for a PI, is going to stop sadly.


The new era problem that will replace those old concerns is now French and Japanese clubs (doing the same as NRL teams have done for decades by) picking kids out of school. The problem here is not so much a national identity one, than it is a farm system where 9 in 10 players are left with nothing. A stunted education and no support in a foreign country (well they'll get kicked out of those countries were they don't in Australia).


It's the same sort of situation were NZ would be the big guy, but there weren't many downsides with it. The only one I can think was brought up but a poster on this site, I can't recall who it was, but he seemed to know a lot of kids coming from the Islands weren't really given the capability to fly back home during school xms holidays etc. That is probably something that should be fixed by the union. Otherwise getting someone like Fakatava over here for his last year of school definitely results in NZ being able to pick the cherries off the top but it also allows that player to develop and be able to represent Tonga and under age and possibly even later in his career. Where as a kid being taken from NZ is arguably going to be worse off in every respect other than perhaps money. Not going to develop as a person, not going to develop as a player as much, so I have a lotof sympathy for NZs case that I don't include them in that group but I certainly see where you're coming from and it encourages other countries to think they can do the same while not realising they're making a much worse experience/situation.

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