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The Gospel According to Saint Warren

British and Irish Lions captain Sam Warburton and head coach Warren Gatland

Let There Be Lions

1 In the beginning was the speculation about the Lions’ touring squad to New Zealand.

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2 And the speculation went on forever. It had neither form nor fact, based as it was upon the wishful thinking of journalists, bloggers and armchair pundits.

3 Lo, Saint Warren of Gatland saw the speculation and smileth a mysterious smile. For only he, his five apostles, the blessed Robert Howley, Steve Borthwick, Graham Rowntree, Andy Farrell, and Neil Jenkins… and a few others in the Lions management, knoweth the truth.

4 For Saint Warren had been anointed to lead the Lions unto the gates of the greatest rugby nation on Earth, and, yea, verily, into the land beyond.

5 He sayeth only unto the multitude: “I shall reveal the truth unto you at the Sermon of Syon on the 108th day of 2017.”

6 But the speculation dieth down not, as the multitude of journalists and bloggers and armchair pundits hungered for news.

7 In the absence of news, they fed on speculation and grew fat on it. First, they speculated on the captain. Then the forwards. Then the halfbacks and the midfield; and the back three; and, finally, the bolters.

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8 As the 108th day of 2017 approacheth, speculation groweth yet more feverish – til it becometh as facts upon the face of the rugby pages and websites. Proclamations were proclaimed as if they were truth, even though no one knew for definite, for Saint Warren speaketh not of them.

9 Yea, as the time of pronouncement neared, the leaks they leaketh every day.

10 Woe, the name of gnarly Welsh centre Jamie Roberts appeareth suddenly in serious articles in serious papers, despite him being long past his best and starting just two Tests this northern hemisphere season and sitting on the bench for much of the Six Nations.

11 Jesus wept.

12 Before Saint Warren revealeth officially his tour captain at the Sermon of Syon, believethed it was that 2013 captain Sam Warburton would again be the rock upon which his squad was built.

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13 And lo, it was true. Saint Warren had again put his mark upon captain Warburton; not Alun Wyn Jones, nor Owen Farrell, nor Rory Best, nor Maro Itoje, nor Dylan Hartley – whom he had denied even a place on the tour and now looks set never to be a Lion – or any other names that had been mentioned.

14 And the mark upon Warburton was the mark of a Lion. A photograph leakethed shortly before the pronouncement doth comfirmeth it.

15 Saint Warren sent archangel John Spencer – one of a blessed few Lions to hath bested the All Blacks – to revealeth his squad at the ordained time, at the ordained place. And darkness fell not upon the face of the Earth for, after all the leaks that leaketh, there were few surprises.

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16 Except in Scotland, where there was heard a great wailing and gnashing of teeth.

17 They, too, had seen the official 41-man touring squad, which was the largest Lions gathering since 2005 and the second largest in history.

18 And they thoughteth it was not good. For it confirmed there would be just two Scots on the plane to New Zealand, compared to 16 Englishmen, 12 Welshmen and 11 Irish, despite the fact the Scots had verily whooped Welsh and Irish asses in the Six Nations and playeth smart rugby.

19 For Saint Warren had decreed that only Stuart Hogg and Tommy Seymour should carryeth the hopes of the entire Scottish nation. He haddest denied Richie or Jonny Gray. He haddest foresaken Hamish Watson. The journalists and bloggers and armchair pundits calleth it ‘a scandal’ and ‘a disgrace’, and even useth the word ‘controversial’.

20 Jamie Roberts’ name was not mentioned.

21 Jesus wept not.

22 Joe Launchbury’s name was not mentioned.

23 Jesus wept again.

24 Saint Warren did speaketh unto the multitude at Syon. He sayeth: “There’s going to be some players fighting for Test spots and there’s no stand-out number one contender for several positions. We need to make sure we’ve got the depth and quality in the squad to face the challenges.”

25 Saint Warren sayeth not: “Yea, though they shall walk through the Land of the Long White Cloud, my Lions shall fear no All Blacks, for I shall be with them, and my staff – and Rob shall comfort them still.”

26 Perhaps he should sayeth that. Though it mayeth be a bit of a fib.

27 Yea, the Lions should fear the All Blacks, for verily they are mighty. And swift. And clever. And brilliant. And their shiny brand shineth over the world like the shiniest rugby thing ever – even in a Lions year.

28 And the rugby gods do testeth Saint Warren with an arduous tour filled with herculean challenges. The Blessed Sir Graham of Henry, who did guideth the All Blacks to a 3-0 series whitewash over the Lions in 2005, calleth this year’s tour itinerary ‘suicidal’.

29 They playeth 10 matches in five weeks. They playeth the New Zealand Provincial Barbarians. They playeth the New Zealand Maori. They playeth New Zealand’s five Super Rugby teams. They playeth three Tests against the All Blacks.

30 But Saint Warren, who hath led a winning Lions’ tour to Australia in 2013, be not daunted by the magnitude of the challenge. He aimeth to become only the second coach to layeth the smacketh down on the All Blacks.

31 He hopeth to repeateth the 1971 success of the mighty smiter, Carwyn James.

31 The smart money sayeth he willeth not.

32 And those who were not named at Syon on the 108th day of 2017 should keepeth their mouths shut, and their phones well charged. Justeth in case.

Watch the every match of the Lions Tour to New Zealand streaming live on rugbypass.com, home of the best online rugby coverage including news, highlights, previews & reviews, live scores, and more!

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Oh no, not him again? 2 hours ago
England internationals disagree on final play execution vs All Blacks

Okay, so we blew it big time on Saturday. So rather than repeating what most people have all ready said, what do I want to see from Borthwick going forward?


Let's keep Marcus Smith on the pitch if he's fit and playing well. I was really pleased with his goal kicking. It used to be his weakness. I feel sympathy for George Ford who hadn't kicked all match and then had a kick to win the game. You hear pundits and commentators commend kickers who have come off the bench and pulled that off. Its not easy. If Steve B continues to substitute players with no clear reason then he is going to get criticised.


On paper I thought England would beat NZ if they played to their potential and didn't show NZ too much respect. Okay, the off the ball tackles certainly stopped England scoring tries, but I would have liked to see more smashing over gainlines and less kicking for position. Yes, I also know it's the Springbok endorsed world cup double winning formula but the Kiwi defence isn't the Bok defence, is it. If you have the power to put Smith on the front foot then why muzzle him? I guess what I'm saying is back, yourself. Why give the momentum to a team like NZ? Why feed the beast? Don't give the ball to NZ. Well d'uh.


Our scrum is a long term weakness. If you are going to play Itoje then he needs an ogre next door and a decent front row. Where is our third world class lock? Where are are realible front row bench replacements? The England scrum has been flakey for a while now. It blows hot and cold. Our front five bench is not world class.


On the positive side I love our starting backrow right now. I'd like to see them stick together through to the next world cup.


Anyway, there is always another Saturday.

7 Go to comments
C
CO 3 hours ago
Scott Robertson responds to criticism over All Blacks' handling errors

Robertson is more a manager of coaches than a coach so it comes down to intent of outcomes at a high level. I like his intent, I like the fact his Allblacks are really driving the outcomes however as he's pointed out the high error rates are not test level and their control of the game is driving both wins and losses. England didn't have to play a lot of rugby, they made far fewer mistakes and were extremely unlucky not to win.


In fact the English team were very early in their season and should've been comfortably beaten by an Allblacks team that had played multiple tests together.


Razor has himself recognised that to be the best they'll have to sort out the crisis levels of mistakes that have really increased since the first two tests against England.


Early tackles were a classic example of hyper enthusiasm to not give an inch, that passion that Razor has achieved is going to be formidable once the unforced errors are eliminated.


That's his secret, he's already rebuilt the passion and that's the most important aspect, its inevitable that he'll now eradicate the unforced errors. When that happens a fellow tier one nation is going to get thrashed. I don't think it will be until 2025 though.


The Allblacks will lose both tests against Ireland and France if they play high error rates rugby like they did against England.


To get the unforced errors under control he's going to be needing to handover the number eight role to Sititi and reset expectations of what loose forwards do. Establish a clear distinction with a large, swarthy lineout jumper at six that is a feared runner and dominant tackler and a turnover specialist at seven that is abrasive in contact. He'll then need to build depth behind the three starters and ruthlessly select for that group to be peaking in 2027 in hit Australian conditions on firm, dry grounds.


It's going to help him that Savea is shifting to the worst super rugby franchise where he's going to struggle behind a beaten pack every week.


The under performing loose forward trio is the key driver of the high error rates and unacceptable turn overs due to awol link work. Sititi is looking like he's superman compared to his openside and eight.


At this late stage in the season they shouldn't be operating with just the one outstanding loose forward out of four selected for the English test. That's an abject failure but I think Robertson's sacrificing link quality on purpose to build passion amongst the junior Allblacks as they see the reverential treatment the old warhorses are receiving for their long term hard graft.


It's unfortunately losing test matches and making what should be comfortable wins into nail biters but it's early in the world cup cycle so perhaps it's a sacrifice worth making.


However if this was F1 then Sam Cane would be Riccardo and Ardie would be heading into Perez territory so the loose forwards desperately need revitalisation through a rebuild over the next season to complement the formidable tight five.

28 Go to comments
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