Is There Room For Rooney In The British And Irish Lions Squad?

With the Lions tour a mere six months away speculation is rife as to who’ll make the squad. Lee Calvert presents his possible starting XV to play New Zealand in June and July.

It’s British and Irish Lions season – that means it’s time for pointless speculative team selections in the media roughly every three hours, like this one featuring injured players. This will continue ad nauseam until the actual squad is chosen out of whoever is lucky enough to be left standing after the Six Nations and every other domestic and European rugby tournament between now and June.

In the spirit of these ridiculous times, here is the team we would field if the Lions were playing tomorrow.

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Backs:

15. Stephen Hawking (England)
Struggles for pace, but his understanding of the inner workings of the universe means he could use worm holes or some other physics shit to ensure he’s in the correct position.

14. Terry Wogan (Ireland)
He may be dead but Terry’s whimsical banter is exactly the kind of pep talk the Lions will need when they are 40 points down after half an hour in Dunedin.

13. Lion-o from ThunderCats (Thundera)
A bolter from a fictional land who qualifies for the Lions on residency and actually being part Lion.

12. Jamie Noon (England)
Why the hell not?  What difference will it make anyway when the squad is actually announced?

11. An Irish Setter called Broy  (Ireland)
Boundless enthusiasm and comical ginger hair as a focal point for tour insults and general squad #bantz.

10. Jonny Wilkinson (England)
Because he’s Jonny Wilkinson.

9. Warren Fury (Wales)
New Zealand seem like they need cheering up, and the once promising but since comically poor half could be just the ticket.

Forwards:

1. Wayne Rooney (England)
OK, so he’s a footballer, but he’s lost some pace recently and has the right face and build for a prop.

2. Bagpuss (England)
A solid stultifying stop-motion animated presence to nullify Dane Coles’ all-action approach; a bit like the small Tom Smith vs giant Os Du Randt in 1997 but far less effective, probably.

3. Andy Goode (England)
Coming out of retirement yet again to win matches – this time at tight-head.

4. Vernon Kay (England)
The TV presenter is tall, likes NFL and has an accent that sounds like he should play rugby league. Sam Burgess 2.0?

5. Jim Hamilton (Scotland)
KILL JIM, KILL!

6. Gordon Brown (Scotland)
Plenty of political skullduggery on the ground from the former Prime Minister to counteract the physicality of Jerome Kaino. Also, there are not enough rugby players with one eye these days.

7. Brian O’Driscoll (Ireland)
After the controversial 2013 dropping from the third test, Gatland has a great rift to heal with the Irish legend and this could be the chance to both bind that wound and finally allow the Irishman to justify the “extra back row” moniker often given to him.

8. Bryn Terfel (Wales)
The big opera singer would bring plenty of carrying bulk in the loose and his beautiful baritone voice in the tight will cause some real problems for Kieran Read.