England Are (Probably) the Best Rugby Side in the World

England’s victory over Australia this morning means they’ve won 13 games from 13 in 2016. Hayden Donnell admits they’re probably the best side in the world right now, and delivers his other findings from an excellent match.

In my home New Zealand, and other former British colonies, we have an old saying: “There’s nothing more insufferable than a happy English sports fan”. The wisdom of those words has been proven over many decades. English fans with even a half-ounce of confidence can be a terrifying hurricane of belligerence, like Nigel Farage, but slightly less drunk.

So it’s with a heavy heart I must report: England are probably the best rugby team in the world right now. Facts, unfortunately, are facts. With today’s impressive win over a fired up Australian side, Eddie Jones’ band of gigantic sports robots have won 13 games from 13 this year, and 14 in a row dating back to last year’s World Cup. They’ve beaten Australia four times straight. Brushed off South Africa, a former rugby nation. Gone undefeated in the Six Nations. Stayed untroubled on tour and at home.

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They’ve done it all despite trial and tribulation. Perhaps because the Northern Hemisphere season is 826 games long, England has been struck by injury more than just about any other side this year. They’ve been without Owen Farrell, Manu Tuilagi, James Haskell, Sam Jones, Anthony Watson, and their newly sober captain Dylan Hartley at various points. They won every Autumn International without Maro Itoje, who was a contender for World Player of the Year before his hand exploded during a match for Saracens on October 22.

Their success is a tribute to Jones, who has taken a haunted and hollowed-out shell of a rugby side and rebuilt it in record time. It’s also testament to the talents of players like Farrell, whose goal kicking steadied the ship against Australia, and mercurial talents like centre Jonathan Joseph, who went from being dropped earlier in the autumn season to creating or scoring three of England’s tries today. English rugby’s huge vat of money has probably helped a bit as well.

What about the All Blacks? New Zealand are still world champs, and the most talented side in the world, but the truth is England probably would’ve beaten them if they’d met this month. New Zealand, like Australia, were tiring at the end of a long season. It’ll be interesting to see what happens next summer, when Southern Hemisphere sides are fresh and Northern Hemisphere teams have been tackled so many times there’s nothing left of them but broken remnants of their former humanity.

For now, England look the best. They’ve equalled their own record for wins in a row. Next stop: beating the All Blacks’ professional era record of 18 straight wins. According to our advanced Rugby Pass statistical calculations, if all goes well for them, they’ll get the chance to go for the record against Ireland in Dublin on March 18. I think I speak for all New Zealanders, and residents of countless other rugby nations, when I wish them all the worst luck in the world.

Other Observations From the Game

For a While, it Looked Like Michael Brown Was Dead

After a slightly late tackle by Dane Haylett-Petty in the 71st minute, England’s fullback Michael Brown writhed on the pitch like he’d just been shot in the gut. For a while it looked like he wouldn’t make it.

He clung to the medic’s leg, pleading not to be left alone in his final seconds.

Then Haylett-Petty was given a yellow card, and Brown instantly made a miraculous recovery. A classic rugby moment.

Someone Needs to Check on Michael Cheika

Cheika was unhappy for much of the game, but Haylett-Petty being sent off in the 71st minute appeared to send him into some previously unreached hell zone.

In the place of his usual red-hot rage was something we don’t often see from the Wallabies coach: resignation.

Get better soon, Michael. We need you!

Losing Will Genia Really Killed the Wallabies

Genia, who briefly became the saddest man alive after the Wallabies lost to Ireland last week, was forced out of this game because it clashed with his duties to Stade Francais. His absence took a toll on the Australians. Replacement halfback Nick Phipps’ flubbed pass in the 29th minute led to England’s opening try. Phipps went on to fall for Ben Youngs’ dummy so completely that he’s probably still trying to tackle Marland Yarde.

That Was a Great End to the Autumn Internationals

This game was really excellent. It had lead changes, running rugby, tries, David Pocock unsuccessfully trying to pass. Everything. A very solid end to the Autumn Internationals, and a fitting final curtain for the year in international rugby.