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Please do not laugh at this rugby player's name

Faraj Fartass (Photo: Getty Images)

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you… then you win
– Gandhi

Flatulence is defined in the medical literature as “flatus expelled through the anus”
– Wikipedia

Let me tell you about a man.

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He’s 20 years old, 1.92m tall, and weighs 92kgs. He’s a promising professional rugby player who recently scored two tries against Ireland for the French under-20 team. He has a family. A home. A life.

None of that matters because his name… is Faraj Fartass.

Being stuck with a so-called “funny” name is an everlasting curse. Just ask Boston Patriots defensive halfback Dick Felt or Major League Baseball outfielder Rusty Kuntz. Their All-Star appearances and spectacular plays will fade into insignificance. Their tombstones will be unfairly engraved with a link to this Buzzfeed list of silly sports names.

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Fartass awaits the same fate. All people want to do is laugh at him. Well, the Irish weren’t laughing when Fartass tore through them at Donnybrook in February. Stade Francais weren’t laughing when they decided they wanted a Fartass on their team.

Clued-up rugby fans have known about Fartass for some time, but his name only reached the mainstream recently when popular Twitter user Stefan_Heck linked to his profile with the caption “No way”. US TV host Chris Hayes replied “This is the best content on this website I’ve seen all day”. Another Twitter user posted this reply.

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Laugh it up media hacks. I bet you’ve not once had to think even once about whether your achievements will be overshadowed by the fact your name is a combination of words that summon to mind both the forceful expulsion of evaporated poop and the sweaty skin cylinders that house the body’s gas hole.

Not so for Fartass. He’s spent his life training while other youths make memes and have sex on the internet. At just 20 years old, he has become an elite athlete. And somehow he has made the million sacrifices necessary to achieve that dream despite knowing deep down all his work will become a mere footnote beneath a bunch of neon signwriting reading “HIS NAME IS FARTASS LMAO”.

His labours shouldn’t be in vain. It’s time to respect Fartass. He is not a fart, nor an ass. He is a man. He may have children. And those children will be little Fartasses. Do you want them to think of their dad as a hero or a walking reminder of a noisy emission that comes out of butts when it’s toilet time?

Shame on you jokers. Shame on you tweeters. You know who else they laughed at? That’s right: Jesus (Luke 18). I hope you turn from your jibes and join me in wishing Fartass an explosive career. One that surprises with its devastation, and leaves opponents gasping for air. To be clear, a career that is like a fart. From an ass. A Fartass. His name is Fartass. Thank you.

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Comments

1 Comment
m
melon 1283 days ago

LMAO HIS NAME IS FARTASS

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I
IkeaBoy 3 hours ago
Why Les Kiss and Stuart Lancaster can lead Australia to glory

“Why are you so insistent on being wrong? Man United won in 2008 (beating Chelsea in the final). In 2009 Barcelona won, beating United.”

Good lad, just checking. So you’re not a bot! Chelsea bombed the 2008 final more than United won it. John Terry… couldn’t happen to a nicer fella.


“The gap between wins ignores the finals contested. 2 in 2 years with his City Triumph. The most recent put him in the elite company of managers to have won it with multiple clubs. Yet more late career success and history.”

Again - you’re not correct. City won the CL in 2023, and made the final in 2021. Those are the only two CL finals they have made.”

So the difference between 2021 and 2023 would of course be TWO YEARS. 24 months would account for 3 different seasons. They contested ECL finals twice in two years. The first in 2021 - which they lost - was still the first elite European final in the clubs then 141 year history. Explain clearly how that’s not an achievement? Guess what age he was then…


“I think your take on Gatland is pretty silly. Gatland was without Edwards in the 2013 and 2017 Lions tours and managed to do alright.”

I thought you don’t care what certain managers did 10 years ago…

Why would I address Eddie Jones? Why would he be deserving of a single sentence?


“I am aware Les Kiss has achieved great things in his career, but I don’t care what he did over ten years ago. Rugby was a different sport back then.”

So you haven’t watched even a minute of Super Rugby this year?


“lol u really need to chill out”

Simply frightful! If you’re not a bot you’re at least Gen-Z?

171 Go to comments
f
fl 4 hours ago
Why Les Kiss and Stuart Lancaster can lead Australia to glory

“Pep didn’t win the ECL in 2009. It was 2008 with Barca”

Why are you so insistent on being wrong? Man United won in 2008 (beating Chelsea in the final). In 2009 Barcelona won, beating United.


“The gap between wins ignores the finals contested. 2 in 2 years with his City Triumph. The most recent put him in the elite company of managers to have won it with multiple clubs. Yet more late career success and history.”

Again - you’re not correct. City won the CL in 2023, and made the final in 2021. Those are the only two CL finals they have made. With Barcelona, Pep made the semi final four consecutive times - with City he’s managed only 3 in 8 years. This year they didn’t even make the round of 16.


To re-cap, you wrote that Pep “has gotten better with age. By every measure.” There are some measures that support what you’re saying, but the vast majority of the measures that you have highlighted actually show the opposite.


I am aware Les Kiss has achieved great things in his career, but I don’t care what he did over ten years ago. Rugby was a different sport back then.


I think your take on Gatland is pretty silly. Gatland was without Edwards in the 2013 and 2017 Lions tours and managed to do alright. You’ve also not addressed Eddie Jones.


I agree wrt Schmidt. He would ideally be retained, but it wouldn’t work to have a remote head coach. He should definitely be hired as a consultant/analyst/selector though.


“Look at the talent that would be discarded in Schmidt and Kiss if your age Nazism was applied.”

lol u really need to chill out lad. Kiss and Schmidt would both be great members of the coaching set up in 2025, but it would be ridiculous to bank on either to retain the head coach role until 2031.

171 Go to comments
I
IkeaBoy 4 hours ago
Why Les Kiss and Stuart Lancaster can lead Australia to glory

Pep didn’t win the ECL in 2009. It was 2008 with Barca. The gap between wins ignores the finals contested. 2 in 2 years with his City Triumph. The most recent put him in the elite company of managers to have won it with multiple clubs. Yet more late career success and history.


His time with City - a lower win ratio compared to Bayern Munich as you say - includes a 100 PT season. A feat that will likely never be surpassed. I appreciate you don’t follow soccer too closely but even casual fans refer to the sport in ‘pre and post Pep’ terms and all because of what he has achieved and is continuing to achieve, late career. There is a reason that even U10’s play out from the back now at every level of the game. That’s also a fairly recent development.


How refreshing to return to rugby on a rugby forum.


Ireland won a long over due slam in 2009. The last embers of a golden generation was kicked on by a handful of young new players and a new senior coach. Kiss was brought in as defence coach and was the reason they won it. They’d the best defence in the game at the time. He all but invented the choke tackle. Fittingly they backed it up in the next world cup in their 2011 pool match against… Australia. The instantly iconic image of Will Genia getting rag-dolled by Stephen Ferris.


His career since has even included director of rugby positions. He would have an extremely good idea of where the game is at and where it is going in addition to governance experience and dealings. Not least in Oz were many of the players will have come via or across Rugby League pathways.


Gatland isn’t a valid coach to compare too. He only ever over-achieved and was barely schools level without Shaun Edwards at club or test level. His return to Wales simply exposed his limitations and a chaotic union. It wasn’t age.


Schmidt is open to staying involved in a remote capacity which I think deserves more attention. It would be a brain drain to lose him. He stepped in to coach the ABs in the first 2022 test against Ireland when Foster was laid out with Covid. They mullered Ireland 42-19. He was still heavily involved in the RWC 2023 quarter final. Same story.


Look at the talent that would be discarded in Schmidt and Kiss if your age Nazism was applied.

171 Go to comments
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