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Please do not laugh at this rugby player's name

Faraj Fartass (Photo: Getty Images)

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you… then you win
– Gandhi

Flatulence is defined in the medical literature as “flatus expelled through the anus”
– Wikipedia

Let me tell you about a man.

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He’s 20 years old, 1.92m tall, and weighs 92kgs. He’s a promising professional rugby player who recently scored two tries against Ireland for the French under-20 team. He has a family. A home. A life.

None of that matters because his name… is Faraj Fartass.

Being stuck with a so-called “funny” name is an everlasting curse. Just ask Boston Patriots defensive halfback Dick Felt or Major League Baseball outfielder Rusty Kuntz. Their All-Star appearances and spectacular plays will fade into insignificance. Their tombstones will be unfairly engraved with a link to this Buzzfeed list of silly sports names.

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Fartass awaits the same fate. All people want to do is laugh at him. Well, the Irish weren’t laughing when Fartass tore through them at Donnybrook in February. Stade Francais weren’t laughing when they decided they wanted a Fartass on their team.

Clued-up rugby fans have known about Fartass for some time, but his name only reached the mainstream recently when popular Twitter user Stefan_Heck linked to his profile with the caption “No way”. US TV host Chris Hayes replied “This is the best content on this website I’ve seen all day”. Another Twitter user posted this reply.

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Laugh it up media hacks. I bet you’ve not once had to think even once about whether your achievements will be overshadowed by the fact your name is a combination of words that summon to mind both the forceful expulsion of evaporated poop and the sweaty skin cylinders that house the body’s gas hole.

Not so for Fartass. He’s spent his life training while other youths make memes and have sex on the internet. At just 20 years old, he has become an elite athlete. And somehow he has made the million sacrifices necessary to achieve that dream despite knowing deep down all his work will become a mere footnote beneath a bunch of neon signwriting reading “HIS NAME IS FARTASS LMAO”.

His labours shouldn’t be in vain. It’s time to respect Fartass. He is not a fart, nor an ass. He is a man. He may have children. And those children will be little Fartasses. Do you want them to think of their dad as a hero or a walking reminder of a noisy emission that comes out of butts when it’s toilet time?

Shame on you jokers. Shame on you tweeters. You know who else they laughed at? That’s right: Jesus (Luke 18). I hope you turn from your jibes and join me in wishing Fartass an explosive career. One that surprises with its devastation, and leaves opponents gasping for air. To be clear, a career that is like a fart. From an ass. A Fartass. His name is Fartass. Thank you.

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1 Comment
m
melon 1181 days ago

LMAO HIS NAME IS FARTASS

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Tom 6 hours ago
What is the future of rugby in 2025?

Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistol! Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistol! Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistol!


It's incredible to see the boys playing like this. Back to the form that saw them finish on top of the regular season and beat Toulon to win the challenge cup. Ibitoye and Ravouvou doing a cracking Piutau/Radradra impression.


It's abundantly clear that Borthwick and Wigglesworth need to transform the England attack and incorporate some of the Bears way. Unfortunately until the Bears are competing in Europe, the old criticisms will still be used.. we failed to fire any punches against La Rochelle and Leinster which goes to show there is still work to do but both those sides are packed full of elite players so it's not the fairest comparison to expect Bristol to compete with them. I feel Bristol are on the way up though and the best is yet to come. Tom Jordan next year is going to be obscene.


Test rugby is obviously a different beast and does Borthwick have enough time with the players to develop the level of skill the Bears plays have? Even if he wanted to? We should definitely be able to see some progress, Scotland have certainly managed it. England aren't going to start throwing the ball around like that but England's attack looks prehistoric by comparison, I hope they take some inspiration from the clarity and freedom of expression shown by the Bears (and Scotland - who keep beating us, by the way!). Bristol have the best attack in the premiership, it'd be mad for England to ignore it because it doesn't fit with the Borthwick and Wigglesworth idea of how test rugby should be played. You gotta use what is available to you. Sadly I think England will try reluctantly to incorporate some of these ideas and end up even more confused and lacking identity than ever. At the moment England have two teams, they have 14 players and Marcus Smith. Marcus sticks out as a sore thumb in a team coached to play in a manner ideologically opposed to the way he plays rugby, does the Bears factor confuse matters further? I just have no confidence in Borthers and Wiggles.


Crazy to see the Prem with more ball in play than SR!

7 Go to comments
J
JW 10 hours ago
Does South Africa have a future in European competition?

In another recent article I tried to argue for a few key concept changes for EPCR which I think could light the game up in the North.


First, I can't remember who pointed out the obvious elephant in the room (a SA'n poster?), it's a terrible time to play rugby in the NH, and especially your pinnacle tournament. It's been terrible watching with seemingly all the games I wanted to watch being in the dark, hardly able to see what was going on. The Aviva was the only stadium I saw that had lights that could handle the miserable rain. If the global appeal is there, they could do a lot better having day games.


They other primary idea I thuoght would benefit EPCR most, was more content. The Prem could do with it and the Top14 could do with something more important than their own league, so they aren't under so much pressure to sell games. The quality over quantity approach.


Trim it down to two 16 team EPCR competitions, and introduce a third for playing amongst the T2 sides, or the bottom clubs in each league should simply be working on being better during the EPCR.


Champions Cup is made up of league best 15 teams, + 1, the Challenge Cup winner. Without a reason not to, I'd distribute it evenly based on each leauge, dividing into thirds and rounded up, 6 URC 5 Top14 4 English. Each winner (all four) is #1 rank and I'd have a seeding round or two for the other 12 to determine their own brackets for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. I'd then hold a 6 game pool, home and away, with consecutive of each for those games that involve SA'n teams. Preferrably I'd have a regional thing were all SA'n teams were in the same pool but that's a bit complex for this simple idea.


That pool round further finalises the seeding for knockout round of 16. So #1 pool has essentially duked it out for finals seeding already (better venue planning), and to see who they go up against 16, 15,etc etc. Actually I think I might prefer a single pool round for seeding, and introduce the home and away for Ro16, quarters, and semis (stuffs up venue hire). General idea to produce the most competitive matches possible until the random knockout phase, and fix the random lottery of which two teams get ranked higher after pool play, and also keep the system identical for the Challenge Cup so everthing is succinct. Top T2 side promoted from last year to make 16 in Challenge Cup

207 Go to comments
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