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Scotty Stevenson: Why I'll Always Love Provincial Rugby

Southland vs Otago

As the goalposts are taken down and cricket pitches mowed across the country, Scotty Stevenson reflects on the continued importance of provincial rugby in New Zealand.

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A lad had a question for me this morning. He asked: “How do we make provincial rugby important again?” I looked at it and sighed. I sighed for two reasons. The first was that in my heart it has never lost its importance. The second? In my head I know it has.

Super Rugby was always going to outshine the provincial game. It is the pyrotechnic stadium extravanganza to provincial rugby’s dude on a guitar in the corner. Super Rugby has the cash, the hype, the crowds and the crowd-pleasers. Provincial rugby has a nine-song set list and a bingo game in the room next door. And that’s what I love about it.

I love that, and I love Marty Banks’ flat out refusal to cut his hair during the season. Trust me, if ever there was a lid that was asking to be trimmed, it is that Jim Croce abomination. Marty Banks doesn’t need time in a bottle, he needs time in barber.

Marty Banks' Tasman teammates attempt to physically carry him to a hair salon. (Photo: Getty Images)
Marty Banks’ Tasman teammates attempt to physically carry him to a hair salon. (Photo: Getty Images)

I love Mike Morrissey on the South East corner of Yarrow Stadium in New Plymouth, flying his over-sized Taranaki flag and gurning his way through every single Bulls game. I once called a game between Taranaki and Auckland at Yarrow, in conditions so gnarly an advertising hoarding flew across the ground and almost decapitated Ben Atiga. Mike Morrissey was standing where he always stands that night, soaking wet, shouting at the sky, “You call this a storm!”

I loved that.

I love windy nights in Palmerston North (is there any other kind), when the bucket heads pre-load and pitch up on the green bleachers and shout for the Turbos; when Callum Gibbins tackles players with his face; when ‘Sarge’ Jansen is on television match official duty and he beams on the sideline because he just loves being there.

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Yarrow Stadium on a good day. (Photo: Getty Images)
Yarrow Stadium on a good day. (Photo: Getty Images)

I love roadtrips to Pukekohe, and the hotdogs behind the main stand, which I always seem to be eating when the diehards walk past on the way to the supporters club. There is no way to muster a comeback when your face is covered in tomato sauce. Eating a Pukekohe hot dog requires skill and flexibility, and a thick skin. And napkins.

I love Friday nights at Forsyth Barr, watching Otago play recklessly under the roof. I watch in the groundskeepers’ office some nights, on the old couches from Carisbrook, alongside blokes with names like Ox, and Keeper, and Millie and Bilbo. In this one little corner of the stadium, the ‘Brook lives on.

I love dinner afterwards at the Best Café, with its vinyl table covers, and orange chairs and carpet the colour of half-chewed grass. There are posters on the walls of ‘Fishes of New Zealand’. It pays to know what you are eating, even if it is covered in batter (golden, crunchy, as light as a pickpocket’s fingers) and served with chips.

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Forsyth Barr Stadium in Dunedin. (Photo: Getty Images)
Dunedin’s Forsyth Barr Stadium. (Photo: Getty Images)

I love the oysters in Invercargill, and the antlers on the terraces. I love the grass bank at Toll Stadium where I sat as a kid and watched Northland lose. Now I sit in the commentary box and watch Northland lose. I love watching that team lose. I loved watching them win against Waikato even more.

I love a beer with the referees, and a laugh with the players. I love how Brad Weber’s nose never heals, and how Ben Herring likes to feed commentary lines to us in the pre-match warm-up. Provincial rugby is full of character coaches, like big Paul Tito, who once shook a referee’s hand so hard it led to a formal complaint, and Scotty Robertson, who hung up his breakdancing boots this year after slipping over and falling on the Ranfurly Shield.

I love the Shield. No more needs to be said about that. I still have my commentary notes from the very first Shield match I ever called. I still have my commentary notes from every provincial match I have ever called. Because I have loved them all, and I love them still.

The glory of the Ranfurly Shield. (Photo: Getty Images)
Waikato with the old log of wood. (Photo: Getty Images)

Yes, I know that when you measure these things against the hollow metrics of business, they don’t stack up. I know that provincial rugby struggles to make a buck. The crowds ain’t what they used to be and great rivalries exist now only in lounge bars and on the tips of old mens’ tongues. I know in my head that this is true. Yet I know in my heart that for those men and women who run around on those fields, in those stadiums that echo still with the parochial cheers of hopeful towns, their pride in their province remains undiminished.

And that is what’s important.

So this week I will love being under the roof at Forsyth Barr, watching Otago face North Harbour in the Championship final. I still remember that famous play-off game in 1992 – Forster to Timu to Cooper in the corner – when Otago won 26-23 and Mike Brewer said it was as good as any test match.

He was right. It was one of many great provincial games, and there have been many more since. Super Rugby may well have the stadium show, but the real music is made in the provinces. Where the rugby is all three chords and the truth. And the bread is free of charge at the Best Café.

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Bull Shark 1 hour ago
David Campese names his Springbok world player of the year winner

Why is Joe Schmidt the best option for Australia? (LONG READ)


An essay for @OJohn with love from South Africa.


OJohn keeps banging on about kiwis and Saffers and everyone else seeking to undermine and bring down Australian rugby… Blah, Blah, Blah. It’s boring and not worth responding too 99 days out of 100.


He misses the point completely that Australians either are or are not the masters of their own destiny. So to blame anyone else but themselves for what the state of Australian rugby is in - is hypocritical.


But recently, Australia has shown signs of life. Personally, I always believed they would be back at some point. At the beginning of this year I predicted that the wallabies would bounce back this year. I predicted that they would overtake England in the world rankings. I am predicting that they could finish second in the RC, could win the Lions series and could make it to a RWC final at home.


I tend to get ahead of myself when I’m excited... Ask my wife. But forgive me for getting excited about the Wallabies looking good! Is it so bad?


Like OJohn, I believe that Australia’s lands abound with natures gifts, including athletic specimens across any sporting code the Aussies compete in. It’s one of the reasons most of us don’t like Aussies. They win sh1t. Regularly. And look smug when they do...


But back to OJohn. And his banging on about the need for Australia to have an Australian coach. Here are a few highlights of his argument:


Several times I've given a list of half a dozen Australian coaches who would be more Australian than Schmidt and just as successful.

Tell me which Australian coaches would be acceptable to coach the All Blacks ......?

Because South Africans and Kiwis and Welshmen and Scotsman are all s.... scared that if an immensely talented and athletic team like Australia is ever able to harness nationalistic Australian passion with an Australian coach, you'll all be s.c.r.e.w.e.d.


And then finally – the list of 6 🥴:


Ewen McKenzie, Less Kiss, Stephen Larkham, Jim McKay, David Nucifora, Scott Wisenthal, Ben Mowen, Rod Kafer, Mick Byrne, John Manetti, Jason Gilmore, Dan McKellar.

Plus, a special request:


Keep in mind Rod MacQueen never won a Super Rugby title before he was appointed Wallaby coach but he ended up the greatest rugby coach the world has ever seen. Better than Erasmus even. Who is probably the next best.

Right. I don’t care about the tinfoil hat theories. I want to assess OJohn’s list and determine whether any of them fit the mold of a Rod Macqueen.

 

Like Rod Macqueen the following world cup winning coaches never won a Super Rugby Title:


·       David Kirk, 1987 (17 appearances for New Zealand)

·       Kitch Kristie, 1995

·       Rod Macqueen, 1999

·       Clive Woodward, 2003 (21 Appearance for England)

·       Jake White, 2007 (School Teacher)

·       Graham Henry, 2011 (School Teacher)

·       Steve Hansen, 2015 (Policeman)

·       Rassie Erasmus, 2019 (36 Appearances for South Africa)

·       Jacques Nienaber, 2023 (Physiotherapist).


I couldn't find out what Rod or Kitch did other than coach.


The only coach who has won a Super title and a World Cup?

·       Bob Dwyer, 1991 (A Tahs man wouldn’t you know!)


In fact coaches that have won super rugby titles have not won world cups. Robbie Deans. Heyneke Meyer to name just two.


I know I’m being childish, but I needed to bring this list in somehow because it’s quite obvious that whatever these coaches did before they became international level coaches is largely immaterial. Or is it?


Interestingly Ewan McKenzie (A Tah Man!) has won a Super title. And despite being a Tah Man made it into OJohn’s list. That’s two strikes for Ewan Mckenzie based on OJohn’s criteria so far. Not to mention his 50% win rate as head coach of the Wallabies between 2013 and 2014 (and the laundry list of off the field fcuk ups that swirled around the team at the time).


So Ewan is out.


I find it interesting that, as we speak, eight out of the ten top ranked men’s teams are coached by former international players:

1.      South Africa, Rassie Erasmus (36 appearances for South Africa)

2.      Ireland, Andy Farrell (8 appearances for England)

3.      New Zealand, Scott Robertson (23 appearances for New Zealan)

4.      France, Fabien Galthie (64 appearances for France)

5.      Argentina, Felipe Contemponi (87 appearances for Argentina)

6.      Scotland, Gregor Townsend (82 appearances for Scotland)

7.      England, Steve Borthwick (57 appearances for England)

8.      Australia, Joe Schmidt (School Teacher)

9.      Fiji, Michael Byrne (Aussie Rules Player)

10.  Italy, Gonzalo Quesada (38 appearances for Argentina).


It would appear as though we have entered an era where successful international coaches, largely, have played rugby at international level in the professional era. Or are ex school teachers. Much like Jake White and Graham Henry! Or a policeman.

 

Back to OJohn’s List. That leaves us with:


·       Less Kiss, (I like the look of)

·       Stephen Larkham, (I like the look of)

·       Jim McKay, (Very little to write home about)

·       David Nucifora, (Too old)

·       Scott Wisenthal, (I literally can’t find anything on him on the Google).

·       Ben Mowen, (Too young, no coaching experience)

·       Rod Kafer, (No coaching experience)

·       Mick Byrne, (He’s coaching the Fijians, Aussie rules!)

·       John Manetti, (Can’t find him on the google)

·       Jason Gilmore, (Seems to be working through the ranks, coaching Wallabies A)

·       Dan McKellar, (Not much to write home about, but could be an option).


Applying some logic, I would say the following are viable options based on age, experience in coaching AND the fact that they have played rugby for Australia in the professional era:

·       Less Kiss, (I like the look of)

·       Stephen Larkham, (I like the look of)

·       Jason Gilmore, (Seems to be working through the ranks, coaching Wallabies A)


After having done all this research, I think it’s fair to say that none of these three have the same pedigree as Joe Schmidt, the teacher. Who took a sh1tty Ireland team to no.1. Won a few 6 Nations and helped get the All Blacks to a world cup final in 2023.


Joe’s the best option for now. But if Kiss, Larkham and Gilmore are the business for the future for Australia get them in now as assistants to Joe and stop moaning!!


Errors and Ommissions Excepted. Mispelling of names is OJohn's fault.

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LONG READ 'Steve Borthwick hung his troops out to dry - he should take some blame' 'Steve Borthwick hung his troops out to dry - he should take some blame'
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