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Six Nations Trumped

The Donald Trump

Since the Six Nations bandwagon last rolled into town, the world has changed. It’s been turned upside down more than an out of fashion, beyond vertical tackle.

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Scotland are flying high, Ireland ended 111 years of hurt v the All Blacks and the only the thing to beat Eddie Jones is his slippery shower.

But, the world is about to get a whole lot stranger, as President Donald Trump* watched the opening weekend….

*For legal reasons, this is utterly fictitious.

The Six Nations by President Donald Trump, aged 70 and a half.

When I first heard British people talking about something called “rugbey” when their government visited me, I feared Beyoncé had opened a carpet shop. So, I asked my new friend Theresa May to explain it to me. She had me sold at hookers!

Then, when that fluffy haired blonde Foreign Secretary of hers described the Six Nations, it sounded like fate as my week had been all about seven nations. So, I kicked back in the Oval Office and put the rugby on all weekend.

You know what? I like rugby. First Impressions count. It’s masculine, fair and dignified. It’s like me with less Twitter followers.

My favourite team are Scotland. I hollered for them as they have great golf courses. Good people. Smart people. They also built Hadrian’s Wall like a thousand years ago, yet I’m the bad guy? Man, did they deliver for Uncle Donald!

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The team who annoy me the most are France. Those Frenchies don’t pay their fair dues to NATO, yet they can afford to feed and clothe eight giants like Uini Atonio and Louis Picamoles? It’s a disgrace. I’m glad they buckled.

My favourite coach is Shaun Edwards. I’d heard whispers that some cowboy had been building great defensive walls for years. Boy, they weren’t wrong. Still not sure what the heck a blitz wall is, but I need to get me one of them!

It was great to see that talented little bloke Leigh Halfpenny running about, but he’s only half as valuable as my Vice-President, Mike Pence. FACT.

What else caught my eye? Rugby referees. Some guy called Angus Gardner ruled over England and France with an iron fist. He’s my kind of leader. No debate, nothing. Nobody voted for him yet the world rages at me, a democratically elected leader. But they obey an appointed one. Discrimination.

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And what is this genius of the sin bin? Bad hombres commit crimes like illegal entry into rucks – I’ve been saying illegal entry is a problem for years! – or dodgy tackles and get packed off to a rugby jail. No trial. No Attorney General. Just adios for ten minutes Jonny May! ??

Substitutions are fantastic. With one flashing electronic board, you can drain the swamp, pump fresh legs on the field and make your team great again. That dude Haskell hit harder than one of these restraining orders I get threatened with.

I told Theresa we’d be friends but America is a very different place to Europe. Different tastes. Strange tastes. Dylan Hartley, Guilhem Guirado and Rory Best. Not exactly what we’d call hookers back in the US of A.

??I’m still confused as to why Russia aren’t involved? People say Russia couldn’t hack it in the tournament but that doesn’t sound right. I reckon they are involved and CNN just isn’t reporting it. More FAKE NEWS.

Maybe I’ll jump on Air Force One and catch a game next week. British women keep marching and chanting my name, so I know I’m popular. They’d love to see me!

Stay tuned.

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Tom 5 hours ago
What is the future of rugby in 2025?

Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistol! Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistol! Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistol!


It's incredible to see the boys playing like this. Back to the form that saw them finish on top of the regular season and beat Toulon to win the challenge cup. Ibitoye and Ravouvou doing a cracking Piutau/Radradra impression.


It's abundantly clear that Borthwick and Wigglesworth need to transform the England attack and incorporate some of the Bears way. Unfortunately until the Bears are competing in Europe, the old criticisms will still be used.. we failed to fire any punches against La Rochelle and Leinster which goes to show there is still work to do but both those sides are packed full of elite players so it's not the fairest comparison to expect Bristol to compete with them. I feel Bristol are on the way up though and the best is yet to come. Tom Jordan next year is going to be obscene.


Test rugby is obviously a different beast and does Borthwick have enough time with the players to develop the level of skill the Bears plays have? Even if he wanted to? We should definitely be able to see some progress, Scotland have certainly managed it. England aren't going to start throwing the ball around like that but England's attack looks prehistoric by comparison, I hope they take some inspiration from the clarity and freedom of expression shown by the Bears (and Scotland - who keep beating us, by the way!). Bristol have the best attack in the premiership, it'd be mad for England to ignore it because it doesn't fit with the Borthwick and Wigglesworth idea of how test rugby should be played. You gotta use what is available to you. Sadly I think England will try reluctantly to incorporate some of these ideas and end up even more confused and lacking identity than ever. At the moment England have two teams, they have 14 players and Marcus Smith. Marcus sticks out as a sore thumb in a team coached to play in a manner ideologically opposed to the way he plays rugby, does the Bears factor confuse matters further? I just have no confidence in Borthers and Wiggles.


Crazy to see the Prem with more ball in play than SR!

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J
JW 9 hours ago
Does South Africa have a future in European competition?

In another recent article I tried to argue for a few key concept changes for EPCR which I think could light the game up in the North.


First, I can't remember who pointed out the obvious elephant in the room (a SA'n poster?), it's a terrible time to play rugby in the NH, and especially your pinnacle tournament. It's been terrible watching with seemingly all the games I wanted to watch being in the dark, hardly able to see what was going on. The Aviva was the only stadium I saw that had lights that could handle the miserable rain. If the global appeal is there, they could do a lot better having day games.


They other primary idea I thuoght would benefit EPCR most, was more content. The Prem could do with it and the Top14 could do with something more important than their own league, so they aren't under so much pressure to sell games. The quality over quantity approach.


Trim it down to two 16 team EPCR competitions, and introduce a third for playing amongst the T2 sides, or the bottom clubs in each league should simply be working on being better during the EPCR.


Champions Cup is made up of league best 15 teams, + 1, the Challenge Cup winner. Without a reason not to, I'd distribute it evenly based on each leauge, dividing into thirds and rounded up, 6 URC 5 Top14 4 English. Each winner (all four) is #1 rank and I'd have a seeding round or two for the other 12 to determine their own brackets for 2nd, 3rd, and 4th. I'd then hold a 6 game pool, home and away, with consecutive of each for those games that involve SA'n teams. Preferrably I'd have a regional thing were all SA'n teams were in the same pool but that's a bit complex for this simple idea.


That pool round further finalises the seeding for knockout round of 16. So #1 pool has essentially duked it out for finals seeding already (better venue planning), and to see who they go up against 16, 15,etc etc. Actually I think I might prefer a single pool round for seeding, and introduce the home and away for Ro16, quarters, and semis (stuffs up venue hire). General idea to produce the most competitive matches possible until the random knockout phase, and fix the random lottery of which two teams get ranked higher after pool play, and also keep the system identical for the Challenge Cup so everthing is succinct. Top T2 side promoted from last year to make 16 in Challenge Cup

207 Go to comments
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