Super Rugby Power Rankings: Pre-Season Edition

Here we go. The Super Rugby Season is about to begin and that means it is time to grapple with the impossible question of who ranks where and why, before a tackle is even made, or a try scored. Never an easy task, so we have gone about this pre-season power ranking with all the scientific integrity of a tobacco lobbyist in front of a congressional hearing. Let the games begin…

18. The Sunwolves
Rd 1: v The Lions

We wholeheartedly agree with FOX Sports Australia commentator Sean Maloney – this team would have been much better if it had been called the Moondogs. They will travel 80,000 kilometres this season, have been lumped with the tougher South African conference, and play home games in two countries. Seriously good chance of selling a tonne of merchandise though, so there is that.

17. The Kings
Rd 1: v The Sharks

The Kings are as far from South African rugby royalty as you could hope to get, quite frankly. However, I have a soft spot for the Eastern Province, and especially the old Boet Erasmus Stadium, where I once had my nuts bitten in a college game. That incident isn’t the reason I have a soft spot for the Eastern Province; it was just the only interesting thing I could think to say about the Kings.

16. The Reds
Rd 1: v The Waratahs

The Reds have looked about as organised as a opportunity shop this pre-season. They start the season against the Waratahs, who have outscored their northern neighbours 120-18 over the last four games. On the plus side, the Reds do have an official mascot dog called Red. I don’t know if that is relevant here.

15. The Cheetahs
Rd 1: v The Jaguares

Bloemfontein is amazing, and not in a good way. It’s like New Zealand’s most boring city Hamilton, but with seven extra shades of beige. Apart from that, the Cheetahs leaked more points (33 per game) last season than any other team. They are entertaining in a ‘Jackson Pollock designed our attack plan’ kind of way, but you can’t go anywhere in this competition without some rock solid defence.

14. The Force
Rd 1: v The Rebels

The Force have Peter Grant at first five. The Force will spend a lot of time chasing kicks and defending. The Force scored a miserly 15.3 points per game last season, which was the worst average in the competition. The Force has not awoken.

13. The Crusaders
Rd 1: v The Chiefs

How can you get dusted 74-7 in a pre-season game? I don’t know what is going on down there, but if Todd Blackadder wasn’t already grey, he’d be going grey. In fact, he’d be going bald and developing locked-in syndrome and designing game plans by blinking. Still, this is only week one, and I doubt the ‘Saders will remain this far down the rankings.

12. The Lions
Rd 1: v The Sunwolves

I like the Lions. I don’t know why. They are a guilty pleasure, like a Garth Brooks album or a cheese and tomato sauce sandwich. The Lions lost to the Bulls in their final pre-season hit out, which pains me greatly, but they have the Sunwolves first up so the time for redemption is nigh.

11. The Sharks
Rd 1: v The Kings

The Sharks gave the world Andre Joubert which should never be forgotten. However, they currently operate more as an online player clearing house for European clubs to plunder than anything approaching championship contenders. They should dust up the Kings, though, even without Patrick Lambie.

10. The Jaguares
Rd 1: v The Cheetahs

The Jaguares have had so much smoke blown up their butts, they are in danger of developing bowel cancer. There are plenty of pundits convinced that in their first year of Super Rugby the Jaguares are a playoff chance, but I’m not sure. They start in Bloemfontein, which may well be enough for them to decide to pull the pin and go back to their French clubs.

9. The Rebels
Rd 1: v The Force

The Rebels are the hardest problem to solve since Maria. There is talent there, certainly, but there is zero consistency. They’ll be pumped up after dusting Samoa A by 80 points in their last pre-season hit out, and by the fact they have a 7-3 career record against the Force, but they’re still the Rebels so the question is, will they ever be any good?

8. The Bulls
Rd 1: v The Stormers

One does not simply replace Handre Pollard.

7. The Chiefs
Rd 1: v The Crusaders

The Chiefs recruited very well in the off-season and then broke three of their best recruits in pre-season training, which is not a very good start. On the bright side, the return of Aaron Cruden is enough to get make any Chiefs fan weep with excitement. This is a team that can hurt any other team in the competition, but we haven’t seen them bring the pain yet.

6. The Highlanders
Rd 1: v The Blues

The Highlanders have lost Richard ‘The Barracuda’ Buckman, which could mean the entire season should be cancelled.

5. The Blues
Rd 1: v The Highlanders

The Blues are blinking in the brilliant sunshine that clarity produces after emerging from three harrowing years of Sir John Kirwin’s coaching. They have been impressive in the pre-season in terms of points scored, but there have been plenty of mistakes as well. Still, give them their dues: they look a different side.

4. The Stormers
Rd 1: v The Bulls

The Stormers have Schalk Burger, which is more than any other team can say. Burger would survive Armageddon. They also have a new coach in Robbie Fleck, who will be far less conservative than Alistair Coetzee. That can only be good for a team that was once known as the white wall of Capetown. It’ll be hard for them to get over the loss of Jean de Villiers and Duane Vermuelen, but they may make a surprise run.

3. The Waratahs
Rd 1: v The Reds

Champions two years ago, the Waratahs enjoyed a serious resurgence under Michael Cheika. Like most Australian teams, they spend a lot of time with their shirts off, which tends to make fuller figured men feel self-conscious. And I don’t like that.

2. The Brumbies
Rd 1: v The Hurricanes

No one ever has anything nice to say about Canberra. I’ve never been to Canberra, so I can’t change that now. I have, however, seen the Brumbies play rugby and the Brumbies can play rugby.

1. The Hurricanes
Rd 1: v The Brumbies

No Ma’a Nonu, no Conrad Smith and no Jeremy Thrush. Those are some prize beasts to be replacing. That said, it seems the Canes have been planning their pre-season run to perfection, and a 70-point thrashing of the Crusaders over the weekend is a serious confidence boost. They have to be favourites to redeem last year’s grand final loss.