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Jamie Wall attempts to make sense of the first round of Super Rugby results for 2016.
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Much has been talked about the confusing system of Super Rugby 2016, so it’s better to have one definitive ranking system. This week it relies on upsets, mascots and the addition of foreign language to make post-match interviews worth tuning into for once.
1. Brumbies – Canberra’s a boring place apparently, so the Brumbies had nothing better to do in the off-season than plot their revenge for their semi loss to the Hurricanes last year. Statement well and truly made with a 42 point torching of a team that was on most people’s picks to win the whole thing.
2. Chiefs – If they can stay healthy, they’ll be in at the business end. It was the #DMac show in Christchurch, with last year’s break-out star Damian McKenzie running the show and constantly grinning like Mac Tonight when he lined up shots at goal.
3. Blues – Turning things around in one off-season isn’t unprecedented in Super Rugby (see the Hurricanes in 2015), but it would be good if we could see more jumping up and down from Blues players. OK, it’s one game…but that was the defending champs they just iced.
4. Waratahs – They get talked up every year, but with good reason because the Tahs are flat out stacked. The Reds aren’t great, but a win in the biggest rivalry in Aussie sport is nothing to be sniffed at.
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5. Jaguares – The new boys put a smile on everyone except Cheetahs fans’ faces with an open and ultimately successful effort. It also seems their team translator isn’t quite up with the play on inane post-match interview questions, which led to half of them having to be repeated and an exasperated commentator basically kicking him off the stage.
6. Stormers – The merits of the South African conference have been blasted, but the fact remains that the Stormers did make it through to the playoffs last year. The Bulls aren’t a completely terrible side, so dishing out hidings like this will mean at least one team will have to travel to Cape Town for a sudden death match.
7. Crusaders – They lost, but rumours of a post-Richie and Dan meltdown were unfounded in a fighting performance. The Crusaders should go alright this year, probably without having to resort to the old stop-and-point trickery Andy Ellis pulled out in the first half.
8. Sharks – The perennial underachievers thumped the Kings and still made it look pretty boring.
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9. Sunwolves – OK, so now we realise why SANZAR wanted these guys in the comp so badly: all those not-empty seats. Despite a loss, they played well enough to engender some support from the wider public, plus introduced us to the second scariest mascot in rugby after the Harbour Master.
10. Rebels – If you don’t want to move all the way to the Northern Hemisphere you can go to Melbourne to prolong your career. Bonus: no one’s expecting anything of you.
11. Highlanders – What Blake Gibson did to Ben Smith in the first half of their eventual loss pretty much sums it up. Guess what boys: everyone knows you’re the team to beat now.
12. Lions – Ranked below the team they beat due to the decision to put the not-so-iconic Johannesburg skyline on their jersey.
13. Cheetahs – Scored a bunch of points but clearly have stuck to their franchise core value of not hiring a defensive coach, as well as throwing the worst forward pass in the competition’s history.
14. Bulls – They’ll be sweet once Handre Pollard comes back from injury. Oh wait, he’s not.
15. Reds – Rob Simmons dropping an F-bomb was probably their only highlight.
16. Force – Perth is out of the way for every team in the comp, so it’s nice to know the Force will let you win once you get there.
17. Kings – Super Rugby probably didn’t need argyle jerseys.
18. Hurricanes – From all but champs to nothing but chumps. File their pre season training reality show in the ‘fiction’ section, by the looks of it any fitness they were filmed doing must have been CGI.
