Super Rugby Power Rankings: Why the Hira Bhana Spud Man is smiling this week

If the Spud Man is happy, Scotty Stevenson is happy; if Scotty Stevenson is happy, the Super Rugby Power Rankings are happy. Unless you’re the Rebels or the Force.

1. Chiefs (N/C)

Nothing seen in Round 5 can convince me the Chiefs deserve a demotion from the number one spot. They return to action this week with a home game against the Bulls, who were torn to shreds by the Blues in the second half last week. The Chiefs’ offload game (they throw the most in the competition) will only compound the Bulls’ issues on defence. Another thing to note: In the last ten years the Chiefs have gone 11-5 post-bye week. In that time they have never been defeated by a South African team – home or away – following the bye. The Bulls have won only once against the Chiefs away from home.

2. Hurricanes (N/C)

The Hurricanes deserved a break last week after tiring themselves out during try celebrations. It is a closely-guarded rugby secret that the best way to get your GPS numbers up is to come sprinting from halfway to give a teammate a pat on the ass or some gentle, loving frottage to reward them for scoring. No one likes joining a try celebration more than Brad Shields who, by the way, is playing the house down. And gives a great cuddle.

3. Crusaders (up 1)

There is something to admire about a team that concedes six straight scrum penalties five metres out from their own goal line and then wins the seventh by crushing the opposition front row into the dirt at an angle that would give Pythagoras a headache. Given the Crusaders spent Friday beating up on the Force (last week’s bottom-ranked team in the Power Rankings) we are not prepared to anoint them as champions-in-waiting just yet. We will give them this: they are playing relentless full-press footy, like they used to. When they won titles.

4. Lions (up 2)

The Lions got over their loss to the Jaguares by completely humiliating the Kings in front of twelve people at Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium. Mandela was actually in prison with more people than turned up to watch this game. Not that the Lions cared. The Lions are everything they were last year with an added bonus feature: they have now completely disregarded the penalty goal as a scoring option. The Lions have won a pace-setting 44 penalties inside the opposition half, and have taken just six shots at goal. That’s ridiculous. In a great way.

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5. Stormers (down 2)

It took the Stormers the best part of 60 minutes to hit the front against the Sunwolves in Singapore last weekend which does make you wonder what is going to happen to this team against bigger, more clinical sides. They won’t have to worry about that this weekend. They have the Cheetahs. No one has ever accused the Cheetahs of being clinical. The Stormers are 4-0 and they deserve credit for that. And before you say it, yes, their conference is one of the great punchlines of Super Rugby, but you can’t blame them for that. The Stormers are posting an average 630 running metres per game. We still can’t figure out how this is happening.

6. Jaguares (down 1)

I swear the Jaguares have all been told that if they lose the ball they will lose a finger. The Jags are leading the competition in ruck retention this season and have also committed the fewest turnovers in 2017. This is not because they are playing 80 minutes of pick and go either – they are a playoff level team in all the key attack stats. As mentioned last week their set piece stinks. But when you’re playing against 13 blokes it hardly matters.

7. Sharks (up 2)

Another close win for the Sharks over the weekend sees them stretch to 4-1 to start the season, which is a stat that comes with a polite round of applause rather than a standing ovation. Rarely have ‘Sharks’ and ‘game of the round’ been mentioned in the same sentence over the last few seasons but the Cheetahs match was entertaining stuff. One thing the Sharks will do is take the points when they are on offer. They lead all teams in penalty goals per match, which has proved the difference in tight situations.

8. Highlanders (N/C)

This team is as gritty as beach sex. If holding out the late charging Blues at Eden Park a couple of weeks ago wasn’t impressive enough, the Landers then go and put the screws on the Brumbies in Canberra with a typically stingy second half that would have warmed a Scottish Presbyterian’s heart. The Highlanders still can’t find a way to open the throttle on their attack (only the Rebels and the Reds have scored fewer points per game) but that still seems to be down to their own turnover rate, which went up again on the weekend.

9. Blues (up 1)

The Hira Bhana Spud Man cannot wipe the smile off his face this week. That’s because A) he is a mascot with a permanently happy face, and B) the Blues won, and won well. If the first half against the Crusaders was an entrée, the second half against the Bulls was a great main course. Collins, Duffie and Nanai all looked assured and excited in the backfield, and the Blues defence is standing tall, posting the lowest missed tackle number in the competition. The confidence-boosting properties of that win at QBE cannot be underestimated, but there are still many rivers to cross. Everyone is better for a Jimmy Cliff reference, and the Blues will be better for the visit from the All Blacks’ scrum coach Mike Cron this week.

How about that pick up from Melani Nanai on Saturday for @BluesRugbyTeam? #class pic.twitter.com/Uq6mAmETxo

— Auckland Rugby (@AucklandRugby) March 26, 2017

10. Brumbies (down 3)

Nope.

11. Bulls (N/C)

We said last week that it didn’t look good for the Bulls. It still doesn’t look good for the Bulls.

12. Cheetahs (N/C)

If the Cheetahs had 15 Raymond Rhules then I would be a massive fan. Raymond Rhule has a great name and very happy feet. His 156 running metres for the Cheetahs last week was outstanding. Though given the fact the Cheetahs don’t seem to want to kick the ball, Raymond probably has no choice but to run it. I would probably kick the ball more if I were the Cheetahs. They have the worst ruck percentage in the competition.

13. Waratahs (N/C)

Bernard Foley is the…What? He’s out again? Oh Dear God.

14. Reds (N/C)

Okay, here’s the thing about the Reds. The Reds have zero discipline. The Reds are an oversized classroom of rambunctious toddlers jacked up on E-numbers on a rainy day. They have conceded the most penalties of any team, conceded the most breakdown penalties of any team (while winning the fewest), and posted the worst card record of any team. Amazingly, they have also been awarded 30 penalties inside the opposition half and have kicked a grand total of 8 penalty goals, none from more than 39 metres out.

15. Rebels (N/C)

Oh come on! I want to get behind the Rebels, I really do. For 40 minutes the Rebs played the kind of rugby they want to play, which was great for the fans and for devotees of the Dumper McGahan Coach heart rate monitor. Then they promptly started planning a celebratory night out in Little Collins Street and bottled the second half in spectacular fashion.

16. Sunwolves (N/C)

Still trying.

17. Kings (N/C)

The Kings have a 23-year old beast of a loosie in Anidisa Ntsila. Be like Anidisa, Kings, be like Anidisa.

18. Force (N/C)

Last week one correspondent asked how the Force could be ranked below the Sunwolves. The Crusaders probably answered that.