Ten Other Things We Learn from Rugby

Lee Calvert counts down the secret list of things that the great game of rugby has taught anyone who has ever played

There are many lists that focus on what rugby teaches us, most of which talk endlessly about brotherhood and effort and respect and never giving up and all that. While there’s nothing wrong with that, of course, here are 10 slightly different things that rugby also teaches us:

10. Some men are regular as clockwork

“We kick off in 20 minutes, where’s Tommo?”

“He’s having a dump.”

Every. Single. Week. 

9. Local councils do not understand cubic metre water measurements

Fifteen pitches have been booked. That’s upwards of 450 dirty people who will need a shower. So why did the council parks department in 1972 decide to install an immersion tank in the shower block that’s the same size as they would use in a two-bedroom bungalow? And that means anyone getting in the shower more than 37 seconds after your game has finished will instantly suffer freezing douche syndrome. 

8. Using the Force to shave

Clubhouses do not have mirrors, or at least most of them don’t, so if you’re planning on heading out on the tiles after the game, then once you exit the Baltic shower, shivering like a person who has just been stared at by Wayne Shelford, you must shave (in cold water) using the Force. Trust your feelings, Luke… 

7. Physios are sadists

“What is it?”

“It’s my knee.”

“How does it feel if I do this?”

“Ow!”

“What if I push it a bit further?”

“SWEET BABY JESUS, STOP!” 

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6. A puddle is the most terrifying thing on earth

Rugby players can handle large men running into them, punching them and stamping on them … but the idea of playing when there are puddles on the pitch just will not stand. 

5. Distance from the coach is inversely proportionate to effort in tackling drill

“Just keep walking in and out into each other, okay? Bollocks! He’s coming this way, so I’ll have to drop the shoulder a bit this time.” 

4. The Truck & Trailer training drill is the most baffling thing ever

Get on the four corners, run around in twos with ball one behind the other, front man passes ball to man on corner, he passes to second running man, front running man drops off into corner queue, front corner man follows running man. Repeat on each corner. At least that’s how it’s meant to go. What usually happens is the ball ends up on the floor within 10 seconds, surrounded by a scrum of arguing players. 

3. Warming up is rubbish

Not the pre-match team warm-up, that’s sort of OK, but the sub warm-up. If we had a choice, we just want to be told “you’re going on”, get stripped and run on the field. Instead you have to “get warmed up”, which mostly involves disinterestedly jogging up and down the touchline and doing that sideways scissor-run thing a few times. It’s how complicit everyone is in the charade that truly baffles; the coach knows you’re not going to do it properly; you know you’re not going to do it properly – and yet still we must engage in this specious dance. 

2. But it’s not as SHIT as warming down

Seriously, who decided this was a good idea? Whoever it was is an arse. 

1. Refs have two settings: Before Kick Off and After Kick Off

Before kick off: “Okay fellas, I want to see the ball clear at breakdown, so I’ll be penalising anyone messing about there and I don’t mind the captain clarifying stuff with me about decisions”

After kick off: “Sir! They are lying all over the ball, that’s at least four times now.”

“Anymore from you, captain, and you’re off.”

“But you said…”

“Right, have 10 minutes.”

As you become more experienced, you learn that whatever the ref says in his pre-match chat can and should, like the commentary of Stuart Barnes, be almost completely ignored – as paying attention only leaves you frustrated and angry.