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So the Six Nations has settled into a nice little groove and Super Rugby has returned in earnest. The first shoots of springtime are starting to emerge in my neck of the woods, like tiny green Alien chest-bursters exploding through the planet’s John Hurt. Springtime, as we all know, is the perfect time of year to go out unto the world and observe nature in all its splendour, so what better excuse to compile this handy guide to all the different species of Rugby Fans? Take a look and see if you can spot one of these lurking at the end of your garden/pub.
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The Armchair Analyst
Rugosa Dilettante
This specimen is amongst the most common but least productive of all Rugby Fans, and has undoubtedly crossed your path at some point recently. Individuals of this species engage in frequent periods of rugby observation, only to regularly interject with cries of derision at every decision made by players and coaches. An extremely vocal assertion of coaching expertise seems at odds with their day job as a team leader in a medium sized financial services organisation, but nonetheless they seem to know exactly why a team should have kicked for the corner instead of taking the points.
Typical Behaviour
- “Hmm…not sure I’d have done that”
- “They need to move him to blindside and focus on the exit strategy.”
- “What was Schmidt thinking taking Sexton off that early?”
The Drinker
Rugosa Cerevisia
At least one or two of these species are present at every rugby venue with an alcohol license. Such individuals never miss a single game; despite the fact they seem to possess absolutely no knowledge about the teams playing or indeed rugby itself. They do, however know how to carry six pints in each hand and thus are a highly valued addition to any group of spectators. Despite the heavy alcohol consumption common throughout the rugby world, The Drinker is distinguishable from the rest of the fans by the fact that they have no strong opinions on Dylan Hartley whatsoever, having saved the precious cognitive resources required for hatred/admiration for calculating the optimum alcohol content to price ratio in each bar.
Typical Behaviour
- “Which ones are we?”
- “Save my seat, I need a slash”
- “FOUR AND TWENTY VIRGINS CAME DOWN FROM INVERNESS…”
The Grandma
Rugosa Nervosa
Claims to love rugby but watches it exclusively through fingers whilst muttering “oh this is too tense”. Busies self in the kitchen during important penalty kicks. Can occasionally be spotted cheering or booing replays, having failed to notice the original play due to hiding behind the sofa. This might just be my grandma actually.
Typical Behaviour
- [19-19 in the 75th minute] “I’ll stick the kettle on”
- “This is very violent isn’t it?”
- “HIT HIM! HIT HIM YOU $@%! *Ahem*. Sorry about that”
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The Grizzled Veteran
Rugosa Jurassica
Held together with duct tape and prayers, this species is marked by its ability to compare every single thing they see on a rugby field with a particular incident harking back to their playing days. Individuals of this species have a tendency to horrify observers with gruesome tales of injury and woe, as well as the time they went unbeaten on that tour of North Wales back in ’79 and scored the match-winning try against Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch RFC whilst on fire. Note that all specimens found of this species have been forwards – presumably backs spent so much time trying not to mess up their hair that they can’t remember anything about actually playing the game.
Typical Behaviour
- “Ah that reminds me of the time…”
- “You know, I played against his dad once.”
- “Pfft… This lot are so soft nowadays. It’s only a broken leg for crying out loud!”
The Encyclopedia
Rugosa Inutilis
Often mistaken for The Armchair Analyst, this species can be distinguished by the fact that they actually have a clue what they’re on about. Possessed with infinite knowledge of statistics, records and trivia about seemingly everyone to ever set foot on a rugby field, they are nonetheless completely useless in providing any meaningful contribution outside of a pub quiz setting. Fraudulent examples can be spotted by their surreptitious browsing of Wikipedia during matches.
Typical Behaviour
- “Did you know he was joint top try scorer for the Kingsthorpe RFC Under 14s side in 1998?”
- “Maro Itoje hasn’t lost a match since 1908”
- “They’ve never come back from a deficit of this size against an opposition with the letter ‘Y’ in their name during a full moon”
The Internet Fan
Rugosa Insociabilis
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Remarkably intelligent and handsome, this species of Rugby Fan nonetheless spends their time reading obvious clickbait about crude rugby stereotypes written by an equally nerdy individual. They regularly engage in heated vitriolic “debates” about the game, and certain members of this species will occasionally venture outside their rugby territory in an attempt to enrage fans of other sports. They can however be soothed by sharing videos of big hits or Nigel Owens’ on-field banter.
Typical Behaviour
- Following @RugbyPass on Twitter
- Liking Rugby Pass on Facebook
- Signing up to Rugby Pass for the low, low price of $19.99 a month
