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Wild Animals! Free Potatoes! Ranking the Motley Mascots of Super Rugby

sharks

An enforced potato famine. An unforgivable lack of live animals. Scotty Stevenson finds plenty to be mad about in his quest to rank the full assortment of Super Rugby mascots.

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Super Rugby is almost here, and with 18 teams spread across four continents it’s often hard to stay up to date with what’s going on with the all-important team mascots. Fear not, Rugby Pass is here for you, with our inaugural Super Rugby mascot breakdown.

BLUES

Bluebeard
Bluebeard, left, with spurned-but-superior mascot Hira Bhana Spudman, second from right.

In one of the most upsetting pre-season developments, it seems Blues management will no longer allow the Hira Bhana Spudman to be an official sideline mascot at Eden Park. This is terrible news. Spudman was more than just a root vegetable – he was one of the few loyal Blues supporters, and he gave away free potatoes, making him pretty much the only path to living affordably in Auckland. Is there a more practical mascot than that?

But, oh no, who wants an emblem whose spud-flinging largesse is the stuff of legend? Instead the Blues are sticking with Bluebeard; a good-for-nothing layabout dressed up like a pirate captain. Bluebeard has a sword. He has a great big pirate ship. And yet, he does nothing. Just walks around. If you’re going to have a pirate as a mascot, you should at least get Jack Sparrow.

Let this be a lesson to you.

2/10

CHIEFS

Little Chief
Little Chief has strangely adult hands.

The Chiefs completely disregarded the adult mascot market with their decision to go for Little Chief. It’s not all about the kids, you know.

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Actually, I guess children are important.

6/10

HURRICANES

Captain Hurricane
Just terrible.

The Hurricanes maimed their mascot potential when they named themselves after an invisible force. Maybe that’s why we have Captain Hurricane and his Hurriplane: another mascot who seems like he was something people settled on when they couldn’t come up with a better idea. See: Bluebeard.

One safety advisory here: if it’s blowing a Hurricane, don’t fly a plane, even if you are a Captain.

3/10

CRUSADERS

Only one near-miss horse trampling fatality since the franchise launched.
Only one near-miss horse trampling fatality since the franchise launched.
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The Crusaders have live horses which, it must be said, have only once gotten loose and threatened to crush a bunch of players. Considering they’ve had those horses riding around Crusader games for twenty years, I’m down with that safety ratio.

The Crusaders also have a man in a Crusader outfit. He should be riding a horse the entire game. He should make it rear up every time the Crusaders score. And he should do that while being silhouetted by a flame thrower. The fact he doesn’t do any of those things is an unconscionable missed opportunity.

On that note, more teams should have live animal mascots. Imagine going to a Sharks game! The Bulls are crying out for a bovine on the sideline. A freakin’ Cheetah would be amazing. And who wouldn’t want to pet a Sunwolf? What do you mean there’s no such thing as a Sunwolf? Get out.

Horses: 8/10 Crusader: 2/10

HIGHLANDERS

No-one quite knows what the hell is going on with the Highlanders. This team has so many part-time mascots, it’s like Forsyth Barr Stadium is a drop-in centre for anyone who wants to put on an animal suit. How else can you explain the Gorilla, or the morph suits, or this chicken in a James Harden Rockets singlet?

Things used to be simpler. Back in the good ol’ days this team had an actual Scottish Highlander* – a living, breathing, roided-up dude who ran onto the field in a kilt while carrying a heavy sword.

Not anymore.

*possibly not an actual Scottish Highlander

5/10

REDS

Hang on! They have a real dog!

red

Awwwwwwwwwwwww.

They called it Red.

Booooooooooooooooo. Most. Obvious. Name. Ever.

5/10

WARATAHS

In Australia, the Waratah is a flowering shrub. In New Zealand, the Waratah is a fence post.

The Waratahs are, of course, an Australian side so their mascot is not a fencepost it’s a very large flowering shr…

Hang on, no it’s not! It’s Tahman!

This is Tahman on a quad bike

tah

And this is Tahman on horse

Tahmanhorse

Hell yes, Tahman.

8/10

BRUMBIES

Like the Crusaders, the Brumbies have a horse. Unlike the Crusaders, the Brumbies do not have a real horse. Why can’t they have a real horse? Even Tahman rides a real horse.

This doesn't even look like an expensive costume.
This doesn’t even look like an expensive costume.

In fairness, Brumby Jack has been known to get on the diesel before big games. Respect for that.

6/10

REBELS

Rebel Vic.
Rebel Vic

You cannot help but love the Rebels. They are the little team that could in a big town (Melbourne) in which almost everyone would rather be watching something else. I say all power to them! You have to start somewhere, and it may as well be in just about the hardest place to start.

That is why the Rebels have created a mascot that covers every single base.

Is Rebel Vic an obvious name? Check

Does he wear a cowboy hat? Check

Does he have a cape? Check

Does he have a mask? Check

Does he fly a rebel flag? Check

Are his pants tucked into his boots? Check

Did we leave anything out? Nope.

Good. So what is he exactly?

Never mind.

5/10

WESTERN FORCE

You just know they asked George Lucas for permission, don’t you? Alas, he must have said no, because there are no Star Wars mascots here. I didn’t actually know if the Force had a mascot or not. I had to call my Perth mate, Davo.

“Do the Force have a mascot?”

“Yeah, the Angry Swan. They should euthanise it.”

“Seriously? They have a swan? Is it a real swan?”

“I promise you. It’s the angry swan. It’s padded. It’s really angry.”

“What do you mean it’s padded? Is it a real, living swan?”

“I want to snap its neck.”

Davo does not like swans. I, however, am intrigued.

3/10

BULLS

This is Bulletjie the Bull is my one concession to the rule that live animal mascots are always better than fake animal mascots.

This is Bulletjie shooting fireworks out of his horns.

bull

7/10

LIONS

lions

This could have been Cecil. If it were, then Cecil would still be alive. Think about that for a minute.

2/10

CHEETAHS

*Takes deep breath*

This mascot is so literal it is even called Cheetah. Is it a real Cheetah? Of course not.

cheetah

Still, check out its mascot biography from the Cheetahs website.

Got to give points for the backstory.

6/10

SHARKS

Allow me to introduce Sharkie, the Sharks’ Shark. Why couldn’t he be called Shaka? That would have been perfect for KwaZulu Natal. Nevermind.

The problem, as I see it, is that Sharkie is all smile. Just because you have good teeth doesn’t mean you have to be flashing them about all the time.

shark

Still, he does ride a motorcycle. Because, well, yeah.

5/10

KINGS

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say the Kings have probably got other things to worry about.

Like these jerseys.

kings

Still, there is room here to break the traditional South African mould and go for something a little fancy.

Or not.

0/10

STORMERS

Nope. No mascot. Nothing.

Based on the Hurricanes’ mascot-making philosophy, a Captain Stormer would be appropriate. He could wash up on Newlands each weekend, or just live there the whole time, foraging for food, befriending a rugby ball and waiting for the wind to change.

Someone created a penguin mascot, which would be kind of cool. And quite appropriate, as penguins stand around a lot doing nothing much. Just like the Stormers offense.

If the penguin gets the nod, I’m in. But for now…

0/10

SUNWOLVES

This better be good.

Japan is the land that gave us the Walkman, sushi, judo, sumo wrestling, Metabolism, robot breakdancing, insane sexual game shows, PlayStation, panty vending machines, MSG, Mr Miyagi, the bullet train, Betamax, the Mitsubishi Lancer, and methamphetamine.

If this is just a guy in a Sunwolf suit, I am giving up.

TBC

JAGUARES

The jaguar is a big cat that stalks and ambushes its prey. It is like a leopard but bigger. It kills things twice its size and lives in the rainforest.

jaguar

I take back everything I said about live animal mascots. Don’t even think about bringing one of these into a stadium environment. Just make a furry suit, stick a guy inside it, and let’s call it even.

Damn beautiful animal though.

10/10

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J
JW 6 hours ago
Does South Africa have a future in European competition?

I rated Lowe well enough to be an AB. Remember we were picking the likes of George Bridge above such players so theres no disputing a lot of bad decisions have been made by those last two coaches. Does a team like the ABs need a finicky winger who you have to adapt and change a lot of your style with to get benefit from? No, not really. But he still would have been a basic improvement on players like even Savea at the tail of his career, Bridge, and could even have converted into the answer of replacing Beauden at the back. Instead we persisted with NMS, Naholo, Havili, Reece, all players we would have cared even less about losing and all because Rieko had Lowe's number 11 jersey nailed down.


He was of course only 23 when he decided to leave, it was back in the beggining of the period they had started retaining players (from 2018 onwards I think, they came out saying theyre going to be more aggressive at some point). So he might, all of them, only just missed out.


The main point that Ed made is that situations like Lowe's, Aki's, JGP's, aren't going to happen in future. That's a bit of a "NZ" only problem, because those players need to reach such a high standard to be chosen by the All Blacks, were as a country like Ireland wants them a lot earlier like that. This is basically the 'ready in 3 years' concept Ireland relied on, versus the '5 years and they've left' concept' were that player is now ready to be chosen by the All Blacks (given a contract to play Super, ala SBW, and hopefully Manu).


The 'mercenary' thing that will take longer to expire, and which I was referring to, is the grandparents rule. The new kids coming through now aren't going to have as many gp born overseas, so the amount of players that can leave with a prospect of International rugby offer are going to drop dramatically at some point. All these kiwi fellas playing for a PI, is going to stop sadly.


The new era problem that will replace those old concerns is now French and Japanese clubs (doing the same as NRL teams have done for decades by) picking kids out of school. The problem here is not so much a national identity one, than it is a farm system where 9 in 10 players are left with nothing. A stunted education and no support in a foreign country (well they'll get kicked out of those countries were they don't in Australia).


It's the same sort of situation were NZ would be the big guy, but there weren't many downsides with it. The only one I can think was brought up but a poster on this site, I can't recall who it was, but he seemed to know a lot of kids coming from the Islands weren't really given the capability to fly back home during school xms holidays etc. That is probably something that should be fixed by the union. Otherwise getting someone like Fakatava over here for his last year of school definitely results in NZ being able to pick the cherries off the top but it also allows that player to develop and be able to represent Tonga and under age and possibly even later in his career. Where as a kid being taken from NZ is arguably going to be worse off in every respect other than perhaps money. Not going to develop as a person, not going to develop as a player as much, so I have a lotof sympathy for NZs case that I don't include them in that group but I certainly see where you're coming from and it encourages other countries to think they can do the same while not realising they're making a much worse experience/situation.

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