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An enforced potato famine. An unforgivable lack of live animals. Scotty Stevenson finds plenty to be mad about in his quest to rank the full assortment of Super Rugby mascots.
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Super Rugby is almost here, and with 18 teams spread across four continents it’s often hard to stay up to date with what’s going on with the all-important team mascots. Fear not, Rugby Pass is here for you, with our inaugural Super Rugby mascot breakdown.
BLUES
In one of the most upsetting pre-season developments, it seems Blues management will no longer allow the Hira Bhana Spudman to be an official sideline mascot at Eden Park. This is terrible news. Spudman was more than just a root vegetable – he was one of the few loyal Blues supporters, and he gave away free potatoes, making him pretty much the only path to living affordably in Auckland. Is there a more practical mascot than that?
But, oh no, who wants an emblem whose spud-flinging largesse is the stuff of legend? Instead the Blues are sticking with Bluebeard; a good-for-nothing layabout dressed up like a pirate captain. Bluebeard has a sword. He has a great big pirate ship. And yet, he does nothing. Just walks around. If you’re going to have a pirate as a mascot, you should at least get Jack Sparrow.
Let this be a lesson to you.
2/10
CHIEFS
The Chiefs completely disregarded the adult mascot market with their decision to go for Little Chief. It’s not all about the kids, you know.
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Actually, I guess children are important.
6/10
HURRICANES
The Hurricanes maimed their mascot potential when they named themselves after an invisible force. Maybe that’s why we have Captain Hurricane and his Hurriplane: another mascot who seems like he was something people settled on when they couldn’t come up with a better idea. See: Bluebeard.
One safety advisory here: if it’s blowing a Hurricane, don’t fly a plane, even if you are a Captain.
3/10
CRUSADERS
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The Crusaders have live horses which, it must be said, have only once gotten loose and threatened to crush a bunch of players. Considering they’ve had those horses riding around Crusader games for twenty years, I’m down with that safety ratio.
The Crusaders also have a man in a Crusader outfit. He should be riding a horse the entire game. He should make it rear up every time the Crusaders score. And he should do that while being silhouetted by a flame thrower. The fact he doesn’t do any of those things is an unconscionable missed opportunity.
On that note, more teams should have live animal mascots. Imagine going to a Sharks game! The Bulls are crying out for a bovine on the sideline. A freakin’ Cheetah would be amazing. And who wouldn’t want to pet a Sunwolf? What do you mean there’s no such thing as a Sunwolf? Get out.
Horses: 8/10 Crusader: 2/10
HIGHLANDERS
No-one quite knows what the hell is going on with the Highlanders. This team has so many part-time mascots, it’s like Forsyth Barr Stadium is a drop-in centre for anyone who wants to put on an animal suit. How else can you explain the Gorilla, or the morph suits, or this chicken in a James Harden Rockets singlet?
Things used to be simpler. Back in the good ol’ days this team had an actual Scottish Highlander* – a living, breathing, roided-up dude who ran onto the field in a kilt while carrying a heavy sword.
Not anymore.
*possibly not an actual Scottish Highlander
5/10
REDS
Hang on! They have a real dog!
Awwwwwwwwwwwww.
They called it Red.
Booooooooooooooooo. Most. Obvious. Name. Ever.
5/10
WARATAHS
In Australia, the Waratah is a flowering shrub. In New Zealand, the Waratah is a fence post.
The Waratahs are, of course, an Australian side so their mascot is not a fencepost it’s a very large flowering shr…
Hang on, no it’s not! It’s Tahman!
This is Tahman on a quad bike
And this is Tahman on horse
Hell yes, Tahman.
8/10
BRUMBIES
Like the Crusaders, the Brumbies have a horse. Unlike the Crusaders, the Brumbies do not have a real horse. Why can’t they have a real horse? Even Tahman rides a real horse.
In fairness, Brumby Jack has been known to get on the diesel before big games. Respect for that.
6/10
REBELS
You cannot help but love the Rebels. They are the little team that could in a big town (Melbourne) in which almost everyone would rather be watching something else. I say all power to them! You have to start somewhere, and it may as well be in just about the hardest place to start.
That is why the Rebels have created a mascot that covers every single base.
Is Rebel Vic an obvious name? Check
Does he wear a cowboy hat? Check
Does he have a cape? Check
Does he have a mask? Check
Does he fly a rebel flag? Check
Are his pants tucked into his boots? Check
Did we leave anything out? Nope.
Good. So what is he exactly?
Never mind.
5/10
WESTERN FORCE
You just know they asked George Lucas for permission, don’t you? Alas, he must have said no, because there are no Star Wars mascots here. I didn’t actually know if the Force had a mascot or not. I had to call my Perth mate, Davo.
“Do the Force have a mascot?”
“Yeah, the Angry Swan. They should euthanise it.”
“Seriously? They have a swan? Is it a real swan?”
“I promise you. It’s the angry swan. It’s padded. It’s really angry.”
“What do you mean it’s padded? Is it a real, living swan?”
“I want to snap its neck.”
Davo does not like swans. I, however, am intrigued.
3/10
BULLS
This is Bulletjie the Bull is my one concession to the rule that live animal mascots are always better than fake animal mascots.
This is Bulletjie shooting fireworks out of his horns.
7/10
LIONS
This could have been Cecil. If it were, then Cecil would still be alive. Think about that for a minute.
2/10
CHEETAHS
*Takes deep breath*
This mascot is so literal it is even called Cheetah. Is it a real Cheetah? Of course not.
Still, check out its mascot biography from the Cheetahs website.
Got to give points for the backstory.
6/10
SHARKS
Allow me to introduce Sharkie, the Sharks’ Shark. Why couldn’t he be called Shaka? That would have been perfect for KwaZulu Natal. Nevermind.
The problem, as I see it, is that Sharkie is all smile. Just because you have good teeth doesn’t mean you have to be flashing them about all the time.
Still, he does ride a motorcycle. Because, well, yeah.
5/10
KINGS
I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say the Kings have probably got other things to worry about.
Like these jerseys.
Still, there is room here to break the traditional South African mould and go for something a little fancy.
Or not.
0/10
STORMERS
Nope. No mascot. Nothing.
Based on the Hurricanes’ mascot-making philosophy, a Captain Stormer would be appropriate. He could wash up on Newlands each weekend, or just live there the whole time, foraging for food, befriending a rugby ball and waiting for the wind to change.
Someone created a penguin mascot, which would be kind of cool. And quite appropriate, as penguins stand around a lot doing nothing much. Just like the Stormers offense.
If the penguin gets the nod, I’m in. But for now…
0/10
SUNWOLVES
This better be good.
Japan is the land that gave us the Walkman, sushi, judo, sumo wrestling, Metabolism, robot breakdancing, insane sexual game shows, PlayStation, panty vending machines, MSG, Mr Miyagi, the bullet train, Betamax, the Mitsubishi Lancer, and methamphetamine.
If this is just a guy in a Sunwolf suit, I am giving up.
TBC
JAGUARES
The jaguar is a big cat that stalks and ambushes its prey. It is like a leopard but bigger. It kills things twice its size and lives in the rainforest.
I take back everything I said about live animal mascots. Don’t even think about bringing one of these into a stadium environment. Just make a furry suit, stick a guy inside it, and let’s call it even.
Damn beautiful animal though.
10/10
