Steve Borthwick needs to get himself out to Missouri and urgently. Missouri, I hear you ask? What on earth for? It’s full of hogs, homophobes, redneck asshats and appears to be governed by Trump’s Taliban. Mind you, on the upside, Senator Josh Hawley has a face you’d never get tired of slapping and when the ice caps finally melt, the ‘Mother of the Midwest’ is going to have some stunning, waterfront properties out there on its mighty, eponymous river.
Mercifully, though, Steve doesn’t have to fret on any of this. All he has to do is hustle over to Arrowhead Stadium in Kansas City, sit down over a cold Michelob with the Chiefs’ Head Coach, Andy Reid, and ask him one question: namely, how does his team manage to haul their butts out of the bonfire every other week when the flames are licking around their pants? Because, right now, the Chiefs appear to be playing in fireproof overalls while England’s jockstraps are scorched to a cinder.
Reid’s team are 9-0 this season and could quite comfortably be 4-5. In fact, the last twelve times the Chiefs have been involved in a game decided by eight points or fewer, the Swifties have won, ahem, precisely a dozen times. If they’re behind in the closing stages, they find the end zone or bisect the uprights; if they’re ahead, they somehow block the clutch field goal or pick off the quarterback. Right now, however improbable the odds, they’re a safer bet than death or taxes.
England, on the other hand, can snatch defeat from almost any victory. New Zealand this autumn was a coffin lid they’d closed, allowed to yawn open and couldn’t nail down again despite being handed two hammers and a bag of nails. Australia was a game they, effectively, won three times over yet still contrived to come second. Factor in two lumpy near-misses during the summer and a bullet through the boot in Lyon at the back end of the Six Nations and you’re looking at five wins – famous wins – that’ve up and gone like a fart in the wind.
Are we comparing like with like here? In fairness, we’re probably not. The Chiefs are the back-to-back Superbowl champions and boast a roster of players and coaches who can all finish each other’s sentences. You don’t lick luck off a stone and closing out matches is ingrained. England, on the other hand, have a trophy cabinet that’s as empty as a pocket and a coaches’ box with a revolving door, more of which in a moment. Essentially, we’re comparing a shiny quarter with an unpolished dime.
The best teams find a way, the chilling irony being that England’s next assignment is against the Kansas City Chiefs of rugby. South Africa, as we all know, famously won a back-to-back World Cup in Paris last year by squeaking three knockout games by the sum total of three points.
But the fact is the best teams find a way, the chilling irony being that England’s next assignment is against the Kansas City Chiefs of rugby. South Africa, as we all know, famously won a back-to-back World Cup in Paris last year by squeaking three knockout games by the sum total of three points; the obvious question being ‘how’ and the equally obvious answer being ‘thinking and executing under pressure’. The truth is always simple, as it should be.
So, from England’s perspective this past fortnight, nail the game-clinching penalty shot. Dress rehearse an armour-plated drop goal routine. Catch the restart when the clock’s in the red. And don’t jam in the wider channels and leave whippet-quick Wallabies with an unguarded run down the rails. There. Had England got just two of these four details right – and the details, invariably, are everything – then this autumn they’d be two and zip and, hey, bring on the World Champions.
Which, in turn, begs the question why haven’t England been a yard in front in their last two games? Because, defensively right now, they’re a jumble. To head back to Missouri for a moment, what’s often bailed out the Chiefs this season hasn’t necessarily been Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce but their junkyard dog defensive unit. Conversely, what’s done for England, certainly this autumn, has been eight tries conceded in two games. They’re falling off too many collisions. They’re not shutting down enough offloads. The blitz appears to be a scattergun. In short, they’re shipping too much grass and way too many points.
Which brings us to the coaching set-up. Felix Jones blew in on a waft of fanfares with his ‘out-to-in’, World Cup-winning, hard-hat defence which, he said, would take some two seasons to set in impermeable varnish. Within seven months, though, Jones has walked away leaving his painting unfinished. We know not why, although, supposedly, he’s still working for the team ‘remotely’. If you know what this means or how it works, I’m all ears. Certainly, England have no idea.
The defence looks ‘ragged’; Henry Slade’s word, not mine. Certainly, if you’re shipping 42 points in your own back garden, you ain’t going to win too many games.
Senior Assistant Coach, Richard Wigglesworth, was asked this week whether he’d been in contact with Jones. ‘I’ve not spoken to him’, he said. Okay, well has Jones been delivering – or been asked to deliver – any analysis or data, the more so this week given it’s South Africa? ‘I don’t know. I believe he is working with us behind the scenes but we’ve not been in touch with him personally,’ Wigglesworth said. Henry Slade, one of the lynchpins of the defensive system, was asked a similar question. ‘We don’t have any contact with Felix,’ he said. ‘I’m not sure if the coaches do or not.’ Let’s be very polite here: this is something of a head-scratcher.
So, in his stead, we have a long-standing chum of Steve Borthwick, the likeable Joe El Abd, who’s moonlighting from an already onerous day job with a team – Oyannax – who’re currently thirteenth in France’s ProD2. Look, Joe may well grow into the role and become a major coaching force in Test match rugby but, right now – and understandably so as England and El Abd make each other’s acquaintance – the defence looks ‘ragged’; Henry Slade’s word, not mine. Certainly, if you’re shipping 42 points in your own back garden, you ain’t going to win too many games.
Yet, as we know, England hoiked off Marcus Smith against New Zealand and shunted him to full back against Australia. Granted, he ain’t Patrick Mahomes just yet but the impression is passable. Besides, if Smith’s the virtuoso who’s trusted to conduct the orchestra for an hour, why hand the baton to someone in the final movement of the concerto and ask Marcus to fill in on First Violin? Again, it’s a genuine head-scratcher.
England need to channel their inner Kansas City this weekend. And, ideally, trust to Marcus Mahomes.
Look, Steve Borthwick’s team don’t appear to be a million miles away here. They’re sorely missing Alex Mitchell and I’m missing George Furbank; the more he’s involved, the better England look. But we can all recall what happened back in March the last time a spluttering England came face-to-face with a well-oiled Green Machine in their own backyard. This one, though, could get ugly, especially in the final quarter when the benches are empty and the South African screw turns in the scrum; indeed, odds of 4/11 on an away win brutally reflect where the two teams are, not least when it comes to closing out a result.
Cringe references to Helmetball. Couldn't get through the article.
Guys,
Had Borethwick not dropped a huge clanger and stuffed the team by bringing his big mate ford on and also next game moving Marcus out of the way again for ford , we would all be basking in 2 wins ,probably, and looking forward to the Boks.
Yes the team made lots of errors but were still there at the death .
Borthwick / ford issue is the problem
It will still be until the 2 Smiths are given proper games .
Mi esposo regresó después de usar un hechizo de reconciliación que obtuve de un espiritual muy poderoso llamado HIGH PRIEST OHEN, obtuve la información de un colega de trabajo que me preguntaba por qué siempre lloro cuando estoy en el trabajo, le expliqué. mi amor para el. Su vida se estaba rompiendo en pedazos y me pidió que le escribiera a este sacerdote a (reunitingexlovespell@outlook.com o contactarlo a través de la web, reunitingexloverspell.com) para resolver mi vida amorosa y mis problemas. Y lo hice y quedó perfecto.
Mi esposo regresó después de usar un hechizo de reconciliación que obtuve de un espiritual muy poderoso llamado HIGH PRIEST OHEN, obtuve la información de un colega de trabajo que me preguntaba por qué siempre lloro cuando estoy en el trabajo, le expliqué. mi amor para el. Su vida se estaba rompiendo en pedazos y me pidió que le escribiera a este sacerdote a (reunitingexlovespell@outlook.com o contactarlo a través de la web, reunitingexloverspell.com) para resolver mi vida amorosa y mis problemas. Y lo hice y quedó perfecto.
Well not sure all the political references or even NFL ones were necessary...
But as Bull Shark as eluded to below, England are poor, their ability to dig out wins at the death is the least of their problems. The defence is awful, the attack is entirely dependent on Marcus Smith and our scrum is bad. We need to figure out how we want to play before we worry about putting the icing on the cake.
Utterly, utterly fabulous writing. Graham is the complete wordsmith and has more rugby imagination and knowledge than anyone else in media. And his humour is so entertaining.
1st paragraph made me skip the entire thing. I come here for rugby so I do not have to deal with moronic politics. But there is always that one clown that doesn't stay in the circus tent....
"Missouri, I hear you ask? What on earth for? It’s full of hogs, homophobes, redneck asshats and appears to be governed by Trump’s Taliban."
and people wonder why liberals are so hated!
Missouri is a pretty bad place to live if you are open to the idea of free rights for all, regardless of race, sexuality, or age.
An absurd statement! Outrageous! The people of Missouri must surely revolt!
To be fair, Steve could achieve the same thing if he hustled down to his local bowls club. Or his local school cricket team. I don't think he needs to go so far out of town to get advice - because he's getting the basics wrong!
This rugby website must please stop feeding our trough with NFL stuff. It makes me nauseaous.
The chiefs can go smoke a bong for all I care. All Borthwick needs to do (without code hopping) would be to look at the Boks who are filled with players and coaches who can finish each others sentences. Oh, and all he'd really need to do to get some useful insights would be to talk to Felix Jones - you know, who was actually part of the bok team.
Bloody ridiculous...
Getting warmer....
We know why. Felix said the environment was sh1t. Looks at Borthwick.
The bottom line is this:
- The management of this team is broken;
- You can't be great if your team culture and management is broken (The basics);
- Borthwick is the chief architect of this;
- Just as they looked to get their defence right during the 6 Nations - Felix is out the picture;
- They are at sqaure one - and their defence last week was hopeless. Not fixable in a week;
- The English looked unfit - and that can't be fixed in a week either.
The problems and the solution are so obvious. But anyway - let's wait until after the 6 Nations to fix the problem. England is in a slow burn - and after England ships 10 - 44 points against the Boks on Saturday I expect the sh1t will truly hit the fan.
Reckon England Rugby Team will get debated in parliament even.
Sir Clive is definitely going to poo his pants.
The Springboks are going in to this game preparing as if they are playing in a World Cup Semi-Final. England are toast.
I'll even predict that England will take an early lead. Score two tries, quick out the gates. Cunningham-Smith will be going bonkers. Downing a beer in the stands with the fans.
60 minutes later... Toast.
I don't see the English pulling of a miracle. Rassie will put on the Boks strongest team available. The amount of Boks injured could make a team of their own, but the Boks is lucky to have the depth available that we do. There is about another one or two teams of players that can be made Boks who would challenge anyone in the world and still win, that's how much depth we have.
I just don't see an English win. Boks by 20+
The Boks are clearly a much better team but when England are backed into a corner they generally play better. The players are good but they're badly coached, when they're up against it, they throw the gameplan out the window and they start playing instinctively with more aggression. It's not often a team beats us by 20 points and i'd be surprised if that is the margin.