Here Are All The Reasons The Cronulla Sharks Will Not Win The NRL Premiership

After a 15-game winning streak, many are picking the Sharks to finally secure the maiden premiership that has eluded the club since 1967. Not Jarret Filmer. The lifelong Sharks-hater explains why they can not and will not win.

They might have a rep-studded pack, exciting young backline and perhaps the NRL’s most underrated coach, but the Sharks can’t win the Premiership because the Sharks are losers.

If the Sharks win a Premiership the rugby league firmament will be irrevocably shaken; the great game will never be the same again. Fortunately, for the following reasons, it isn’t going to happen.

History
The Cronulla Sharks have been in the comp since 1967. In that time there have been twelve Australian Prime Ministers*, eight US Presidents and a grand total of zero Cronulla premierships. Most clubs have a golden era of champions and shining successes that they can hark back to even in the toughest times. The Cronulla Sharks have Andrew Ettinghausen’s undies ads and that one time Gavin Miller drank an entire slab of KB on a bus ride to Newcastle.  There’s a reason most fans wouldn’t bat an eyelid if the NRL exiled the Sharks to Perth. In the NRL ‘Cronulla Sharks’ is synonymous with loser. There is no reason for this to change.

Karma
In 2013 the Cronulla Sharks were accused of using performance enhancing substances by an ASADA investigation that would eventually see 14 players and coach Shane Flanagan accept yearlong bans despite claims by almost everyone involved that nothing wrong had happened. Most league fans still have very little idea of what actually went on under the regime of shady sports scientist Stephen Dank but it was clear that something untoward went on. Accusations were levelled. Claims were refuted. Eventually a deal was done and the suspensions were handed out. Only two suspended players (Paul Gallen and Wade Graham) and coach Shane Flanagan remain but it seems certain that if the Sharkies won the title that notorious agitator Gallen would lead off his speech by targeting those he feels have harboured a grudge against the Sharks. In the name of Arthur Beetson and all that is holy there is no way the League Gods will allow the greatest day of the year to be besmirched by a hate-filled Gallen rant.

The streak
Cronulla fans seem to take heart in the fact that their team has managed to string together 15 victories on the trot. While this streak is undoubtedly impressive there is little correlation between such a streak and eventually winning the premiership. In the history of the NRL there have been 11 winning streaks of 14 games or more. Only six of these teams eventually won the title, with three of those victories coming before a finals system was introduced. The only thing such a streak guarantees that the 2016 Cronulla Sharks will end up being the answer to a pub quiz question.

Errors
In recent memory the Cronulla Sharks have always been a team built on dour – some might say turgid – forward play and ferocious domination of the ruck area. This year’s version has now suddenly adopted a playing a style which has produced some stunning attacking play, but also resulted in a dramatically increased error rate. As of Round 22 the Sharks have made 182 errors, at an average of almost 10 errors per match – third worst in the NRL after the lowly Roosters and Dragons. Fellow final contenders the Melbourne Storm (7.8) and the North Queensland Cowboys (8.4) are averaging well below that. In the white-hot crucible of finals football these additional errors can be the difference between winning and losing a match.

Mascot redundancy
The Sharks have two mascots – ‘Reefy’ and ‘MC Hammerhead’. Sharks are not social beasts. This will not end well.

Paul Gallen
Cronulla’s captain has played in 11 Origin series and lost 10. He has played in over 270 games over 14 years for the Sharkies but has never made the Grand Final. The only other players to have played so many games without a Grand Final appearance to show for it are fellow Sharks icon Andrew Ettinghausen and durable journeyman John Morris. Gallen has managed to build a legendary career on the back of individual heroics but he has largely failed to drive his teams to collective glory. Coupled with his objectionable off-field antics, which include accusing the entire state of Queensland of habitual incest, swearing at small children or posting offensive tweets, it’s hard to see many neutral fans cheering a victory lap for Gallen.

* The Prime Minister when the Cronulla Sharks entered the league was Harold Holt, who later infamously disappeared while swimming at Cheviot Beach. Among the colourful theories for his disappearance was the suggestion that Holt was killed in a shark attack. Is it too late to ascribe the Cronulla Sharks ongoing mediocrity to the ’Curse of Harold Holt’?